Digital Marriage

A Bridge too far? (Harold's response)

I really appreciate Rob's stance against pornography in this episode. Pornography is a very dangerous habit--often reeling Christians and non-Christians alike into addictive behavior which often progresses into a series of risky (and sinful) behaviors. Rob has taken a stance on this issue of pornography that I applaud. But, if I had the opportunity I would ask Rob upon what exactly does he base that stand? The episode infers that his feeling that this debases women is the gist of his criticism. My question to Rob then is "for those who don't feel that pornography is debases women (possibly like those in the cubicle next to his at work) is pornography wrong? Is the "rightness" or "wrongness" of pornography based solely upon how one feels about it? In other words, it is OK for you but not for me. Or, is there a clear line of demarcation that says "pornography is not acceptable?"

Where am I going with this? 

Christian (which Rob professes to be) behavior has to be guided by an absolute standard. This is why the Bible is an imperative in the life of the Christian. And, this is why the presence of the Holy Spirit is crucial. We need a moral compass--that isn't subject to cultural whims. We can stay centered because we have an anchor, even as we allow for differences in opinion in our doctrinal expression. 

Pornography is not wrong only because it demeans women (although it certainly does). Pornography is wrong for many reasons including lust. In the same way that the Bible instructs Christians to avoid pornography, it admonishes against premarital sex. Rob ends this episode with a clear feeling that premarital sex should be acceptable if it is a means of joining and expressing your love in a more intimate way with someone that you intend to spend the rest of your life with. As a Christian, I do not feel comfortable defining "right" and "wrong" based on my personal feelings or preferences. I know a few scriptures that would confirm that. And, I strongly wish Rob had a strong Christian male mentor that could help with with these unravel his feelings and his faith.

I do appreciate Rob as being a good and thoughtful person--showing maturity in many ways. But, I encourage Rob to look for the roots of his faith and develop more spiritual maturity. 

As I think about Rob's spiritual journey, I am reminded of the Bible parable of the Sower in Matthew chapter 13. This parable teaches an important lesson about the four different types of responses that people have to God's Word. I desire that Rob's life exudes what the parable describes as "good ground", setting the stage for God's richest blessings to fall upon him and Celia in their future life. 

A Bridge too far?

Previous episode

Rob and Celia are in an extended conversation about sex.  Celia’s position had been to wait until marriage, which Rob had accepted but with hesitation.  He has since changed his mind and is tired of waiting, but now it is apparently no longer a wait or don’t-wait question.  Celia challenged him with the question, “If not religion, then what guides your feelings about sex, Rob?” 

Current episode

Rob sat in his cubicle at work, head in his hands.  The Monday Morning Meeting was being held in the next cubicle this week.  This was not a real meeting.  It was a group of usually three or four twenty-something men in the office who got together to share the best porn clips from the internet they had seen over the weekend.   Up until about two months ago there had been filters to prevent this, but a major system upgrade had left them bare – as one of the Meeting founders, from IT, had been quick to let on, although not to anyone who would do anything about it. 

Rob was no prude, and he could not wait to finally have sex with Celia, but he hated this.  He had a mother and a sister and a fiancée and many women he considered friends and respected colleagues.  Pornography, he felt, demeaned them.  And – he was at work!  Rob knew he had inherited a work ethic from his father that many of his generation did not possess, but this was wrong on so many fronts. 

Further – and Rob was the most uncomfortable about this – however quietly the men tried to be, Rob couldn’t help but hear the clips and the comments made about them, and this frustrated his already pent-up sexual energy.  It was worse now than when he had been in college, before he had dated Celia exclusively, before he had been faced with the need to restrain himself.   

Rob opened his desk drawer and grabbed his wallet, deciding he needed better coffee than the break room provided.  He thought again about asking them to stop, but one of them, though only in his late twenties, was one of Rob’s supervisors.  Rob had ambitions with this accounting firm so he did not know what to do.  He did not want to go over this guy’s head, but maybe an anonymous note to HR?  That seemed cowardly, but it was something. 

He got in the elevator and pushed the button marked “lobby.”  What made him different from those men in the Meeting?  Celia wanted to know what Rob did believe about sex and when its expression was appropriate.  Rob realized that he believed something, that he attached some meaning to sexuality.  He knew it fell into the broad chasm between waiting-until-marriage-to-move-beyond-the-kiss stage and this sex-as-adolescent-amusement that he had faced since puberty.  

Beyond that, he had no idea what he based his beliefs on.  It was not religion.  It was not parental guidance – his parents had not said much to him on the subject.  It was not societal expectation, because there did not seem to be anything like that.  And he knew he did not want to have sex just to have sex.  Not anymore.  

Rob ordered an espresso from the vendor in the lobby and watched as he prepared it.  He wanted to have sex with Celia because he loved her and he wanted to express that love beyond words and hand-holding and wedding plans.   What could possibly be wrong with that? 

Rob decides that his position on sex is that it is right and good when:  

Faith Matters (Harold's response)

When you're a single person interested in being married, how do you know when you have found someone that you will spend the rest of your life with? Honestly, you never really know. You hope. You believe. You have faith that the person that you plan to marry will follow through with it. You have faith that the person you marry will be committed to you in every sense of the word. And, you have faith that you alone will be the object of his or her desire forever. We all hope for this in faith.

I had a conversation this week with a co-worker who described two friends of hers that were unmarried, intimate partners. Last week, the young man decided that he was finally going to propose to her after dating for four years. My coworker went with him to pick out a ring. He didn't purchase the ring that day thinking that he would go back another day to look again. But, that night his world was turned upside down after his girlfriend informed him that she was leaving him. A couple of days later, he learned that she had gotten engaged to someone else and was moving in with this other man.

Admittedly, I don't know the details of this couple's relationship. But, I offer it as an example of sexuality and intimacy in our culture. You can think that you are ready to marry someone one minute only to realize the next day that this will never happen. In the meantime, if you have been having sexual intercourse with this person you realize that you've given your most personal treasure to someone who has now moved on to the next intimate relationship.  While there are no guarantees to faithful intimacy when one gets married (e.g., look at the nationally publicized case of South Carolina's Gov. Sanford's adultery), there is certainly more commitment--or at least legal and financial repercussions for infidelity.

Now for Rob and Celia, it is good that they are having the conversation about their own sexual relationship. As Christians looking for guidance in a culture that treats sexual expression like a commodity, I would refer them to the Bible--a guide that has been lacking in their conversations. Our culture tends to see sex outside of marriage as fine as long as it is monogamous. Scripture, however, forbids serial monogamy--considering it adulterous. I would refer Rob and Celia to Matthew chapter 5:27-28 as a starting point for their discussion. It reads as follows "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But, I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." I would also point them towards 1 Corinthians 6:18 which starts out saying "Flee fornication." And, 1 Corinthians 7:2 which reads, "Nevertheless to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."

I know these scriptures seem extreme in our Western culture. But, God's Word stands the test of time. God expects us to commit ourselves sexually to one person for a lifetime--not our culture's ideal of serial monogamy. And, God honors our pursuit of this ideal with supernatural blessings--I certainly can attest to that one. There are no guarantees as humans make bad decisions all the time. But, when a couple waits until marriage to express themselves sexually I believe that there is a natural and spiritual significance to this delayed gratification. I hope Rob and Celia can wrestle with those scriptures in a way that enriches their relationship and their faith. 

Faith Matters (Joanne's response)

It is a good question:  What changes the day a woman walks down the aisle in a white dress (or kneels before the tea table in a red dress, or unveils her face before her betrothed -- you get the picture) that makes sex OK, in the traditional view?  Is waiting until marriage a theologically systematized viewpoint, or simply a preference of traditional family and religious cultures -- or a melding of the two?  In a previous post I noted that in other times and places, sex only after marriage guaranteed that the couples' children were legitimate, thus conferring important legal rights to both children and parents.  Birth control and legal changes have neutralized that issue to a degree.  

I believe in committed relationships, and I believe sex belongs in a committed relationship.  For couples who are discussing the role sex plays in their emotional intimacy, the question becomes, when does "covenant" begin -- when does that commitment level reach the point at which sex is appropriate?  For many couples, the wedding symbolizes that covenant has already  happened, and for others, the wedding marks the beginning of the covenant. Many couples I know consider the engagement the beginning of covenant and free expression of sexuality.

Faith Matters

Previous episode

Rob and Celia are in the middle of a conversation about sex, with Rob wanting clarification from Celia on her reasons for wanting to wait until marriage.

Current episode

Celia noted that the more she opened up about her reasons for waiting to have sex, the more Rob, who was driving them back to Columbus from her mother’s house, relaxed. 

“So what is your religious belief about sex, then?” he asked. 

Celia knew she was supposed to believe that sex before marriage was wrong, but she was no longer sure about that.  Perhaps sex with multiple partners is wrong, or maybe sex with someone you don’t care about is wrong, and certainly sex that is irresponsible about birth control and STDs is wrong.  But sex with the man you are marrying shortly?  It was hard to work that one out morally.

Celia sighed.  She wanted to answer Rob honestly but she feared he would use any hesitancy she conveyed to logic her into agreeing with him. 

“I never understood what changes the day the girl walks down the aisle in a white dress, that now sex is OK,” Rob continued. 

“I know.  Neither did I,” Celia said, and laughed.  She and Rob had different religious upbringings.  Rob’s family belonged to a church, but more often than not his parents played golf on Sundays in good weather and read the paper and drank coffee in bad.  Unlike Celia, Rob had never attended bible school and youth groups and retreats, so while he was respectful of her beliefs he did not profess a personal faith as Celia did.  Because Celia worked as the choir director at a church, church was her “job” and therefore the fact that Rob did not attend with her had never been an issue. 

However, church attendance and professed faith beliefs had not prevented her parents’ divorce.  Further, Sundays on the golf course seemed to be foundational to Rob’s parents’ togetherness.  They just enjoyed being with one another, all the time.  That was something Celia aspired to, after a childhood during which her parents’ relationship seemed to come in only two flavors: Moody or Angry.  

“So what do you think?” Rob said.

“I am thinking that we should have been talking about faith issues long before now,” Celia said.  She wondered why it did not bother her that she and Rob didn’t have a similar commitment to faith. 

Now Rob sighed.  She could tell he thought she was trying to divert him from the sex conversation. 

“I’m not trying to change the subject,” Celia said.  “This is important, too.”

Where does Celia take the conversation from here?

Waiting to Exhale (Harold's response)

If you follow these posts regularly, you probably notice something of a difference in the way Joanne and I think about relationship matters. This difference is actually an important reason for our collaboration. Joanne and I hope that our differences in gender, ethnicity, and perspective provide meaningful insight to couples who sometimes (or always) differ as they grapple with important relationship issues.

Joanne is an excellent marriage and family therapist (MFT). What makes her so is her ability to stay relatively unbiased and allow the couple to guide the course--while still being a validating presence, a source of positive encouragement, and sometimes an interpreter.

Though trained as an MFT, I am not one. I am a marriage educator. I approach this role with a measure of idealism. While I tend to see myself as a pragmatist, I often find myself being critical of the temporal nature of cultural preferences. As a Christian, I use my interpretation of scripture to guide this cultural critique.

So what does this all have to do with Rob and Celia and the current issues surrounding their decision-making about premarital sex? I tend to agree with Joanne about the need for conversation about needs and desires. However, I suspect this is a very difficult conversation for most couples to have. And, because it is difficult, it is highly unlikely to happen. What is more common is couples simply reacting to the moment. They simply progress (slowly or quickly) from less intimate (e.g., the good night kiss to which Rob referred) to more intimate (e.g., the sexual intercourse that Rob desires) driven more by libido or some desire to placate the spoken or unspoken expectations of a partner rather than a thoughtful exchange of needs and desires.

Rob thinks that the lack of sexual intercourse is going to "kill" him. Well, I doubt it. I don't think I've ever heard of that happening. While I certainly think that Celia should be sensitive to his feelings on the matter, I think they both should use this next three months to invest in the spiritual direction of their relationship--which really has gotten little attention. As they do so, I believe that the sexual desire of each of them will be enhanced. And, I personally feel like the sensuality and eroticism fueled by this anticipation for the next three months will be something that they will talk about and cherish for the rest of their lives. Will the next three months be tough without sex? Yes! But, it will be a memory that lasts forever simply because of that.

Waiting to Exhale (Joanne's response)

Premarital couples I've worked with have run the gamut about sex.  There have been those who resist even reading a book on sex for fear they'll be tempted to "do it" too soon.  Conversely, there have been those who have been having intercourse since their first date.  These approaches, amazingly, tend to have something in common -- on both ends of the spectrum, the couple seems to have defaulted into uncritical acceptance of a cultural expectation.   For those whose religious beliefs prohibit sexual expression outside of marriage, realistic discussion of real human needs and wants can fall by the wayside of legalism. Similarly, for those for whom sex has been little more than another form of entertainment, what would be the point of discussing how to incorporate a healthy sex life into a growing relationship?  

The most mature couples I have worked with struggle in the wide gray area between complete chastity and fullblown licentiousness.  Expecting sexual expression to be an important part of their shared life, they are capable of frank conversation, before marriage, about their sexual needs, wants, hopes and expectations.  Further, if they are choosing to wait or are having sex now, they know why -- they can talk about what their choice means.   

I am less concerned about what Rob and Celia decide than that they understand why, as a couple, they make the decision they do.  

Waiting to Exhale

Previous Episode

Rob asked Celia if she would be willing to have sex now, three months before the wedding, when they had previously decided to wait.  They still had another hour on the drive home to Columbus so there was no better time than the present to talk this out. 

Current Episode

This wasn’t the conversation Rob wanted to have right now.  He knew Celia’s reticence wasn’t because she hadn’t started birth control pills yet.

Rob sighed.  “I’m not sure you want to have sex with me at all, Celia.  Even when we are married.”  He didn’t want to sound mad at her, but he could hear the edge in his voice. 

Celia, who had just awakened from a nap, let go of Rob’s hand and straightened up, checked her face in the visor mirror, and picked up the paper coffee cup from the cup holder to see if it had anything left.  Apparently it did not, since Celia put it back in the holder without drinking anything.  She sighed too and turned back to Rob.

“Why do you think that?” she asked.

“Because it doesn’t seem to cost you anything to wait.  I’m dying over here and it all seems the same to you either way.” 

Rob took his eyes from the road long enough to see that Celia looked surprised.  When he turned back, she said, “I didn’t know it was that difficult for you.”

“Well, it is.  I mean, it’s getting more difficult all the time.”  He paused.  “We don’t have to do the whole thing.   Just something besides a good night kiss.” 

Celia was quiet again, and Rob was beginning to fear he was going to have to carry out both sides of this conversation for them when Celia spoke again.

“I think at first I wanted to wait because I wasn’t sure what I wanted.  Which, I believe, is a good enough reason to wait,” she started.  Rob nodded; it had been a tough autumn for him when Celia had refused to get engaged.   “Then, once we did get engaged in February, I was no longer sure I wanted to wait.  I do want to have sex with you, Rob, although it may not be as hard for me to wait as for you.  I get that.” 

Now Rob felt he was getting the conversation he wanted. 

“My parents were pregnant with Catherine when they got married.  It’s the reason they got married at all.  Mom told me this weekend that she doesn’t think they would have if not for that.  Catherine was a mistake, and they did the right thing by getting married, but it didn’t work out.”  Celia paused, thinking.  “I don’t want to walk any part of that path.  I want our marriage to work.”

This was new information for Rob, and intriguing.  “Thanks for telling me that,” he said, genuinely appreciative but also aware that there was no black-and-white religious argument in there at all. 

What does Rob say next to Celia?

Sex -- Now or Later? (Joanne's response)

I am concerned about an entirely different angle on this situation than Harold is. Whatever reasons Celia has on the rational level for her choice to wait, I don't see conviction about her beliefs as critical.  I don't get the impression that sex-or-no-sex is that big a deal to her.  I am more worried that Celia doesn't have any desire for sex at all, at least not yet.  If this is true, are they wondering about it?  Lack of sexual desire may be helpful to Celia as she sticks to her guns about waiting, but the wedding night may be a huge disappointment to both of them if there is something here to address.  Further, Celia may have no idea just how difficult it is for Rob to wait, which makes it difficult for her to validate his struggle now. Ii am less interested in the sex-or-no-sex decision than I am in how she and Rob continue to take both of their positions into account as they discuss it.   

Sex -- Now or Later? (Harold's response)

In a previous post I've admitted my own conservative bias when it comes to premarital sex. Based on Celia's response in this week's episode, I feel that she shares my conservatism. I don't have a sense that she is being prudish or playing "hard to get" with Rob. I think she has a conviction that premarital sex isn't something that she desires for their relationship. And, it probably would never have come up without Rob's prompting.

Rob admits his own hopes that Celia's desires have changed. But, we all can sense that they really haven't. Now the question is whether Celia feels that she "needs" to do this for Rob. As I've suggested in previous posts, should we as Christians allow our biological urges to dictate our behavior. I certainly hope not. I think there is plenty of evidence in Scripture to suggest that we need to have control over our bodies rather than allowing our bodies to have control over us.

Realistically, will it be the end of the world if Rob and Celia mutually agree to a sexual interlude. I don't think so. I doubt that it will have any direct negative impact on the relationship. However, I also doubt that it will add anything to their intimacy. 

I suspect that the impact will be most evident in Celia's own dashed hopes for a consummation of their love on their honeymoon night. Have any of us looked back and wished that we had waited? In retrospect, how many of people would say their subsequent marriage was improved because they had sex before marriage.

In the question of "sex--now or later?", I'm hoping that this couple jointly decides that "later" is better. I think that this sense of anticipation only enhances the upcoming wedding and their subsequent life together. For me, that is a reward worth waiting for. What do you think?