Digital Marriage

Keeping Cool Heads (Harold's response)

OK. I admit that my conservative bent has left me feeling pretty uneasy about Rob and Celia's dance around this submit of premarital sex. But, I have to admit that I appreciate the honesty and forthrightness of their conversation. Talking sex has traditionally been taboo. Not only do couples not talk about it (just do it) premaritally they also don't talk about it after marriage. A lot of what is needed in the bedroom is honest conversation about wants and needs. But, sometimes these conversations are difficult.

Rob and Celia have gotten off to a good start in their own conversation around the topic of sex. Just as their cool heads seem to prevail right now. I hope this conversation opens the door for more honest conversation ahead.

And, of course I still hope that they wait until they get married to have sex.

Keeping Cool Heads (Joanne's response)

I love what is going on for Rob and Celia right now.  I love that as Celia talks about her concerns, Rob is feeling understood by her while at the same time getting more in touch with thoughts and feelings he has not yet articulated.  They are doing something healthy couples know how to do, which is to hear the other person's perspective without getting upset or defensive about it, and allowing new parts of themselves to emerge in the process.  I believe this is how, as the Bible says, "iron sharpens iron" in relationships. By acknowledging two truths -- that Rob's sexual desire is valid, and that Celia's desire to wait until marriage is equally valid -- they have been required to move farther into the space between them.  This has increased their emotional intimacy significantly and in ways that I doubt would have happened if they had refused to engage the topic of what sex-or-no-sex meant to them.  In the process, though it is almost incidental, they are stumbling into some significant insight about the meaning of sex as well.  

Keeping Cool Heads

Previous episode

Celia has agreed to “meet halfway” on sex before marriage in part because she understands that this is difficult for Rob and that he would wait if she insisted.

Current episode

Rob was overjoyed that Celia was willing to be flexible, but the idea of getting going then stopping was intimidating and he wasn’t sure what to think.  It would help if he knew what Celia was thinking, because the last thing they needed two months before their wedding was to mess this one up.

“So what does “halfway” mean?” Rob asked.  “Everything but actual intercourse, or anything we can do without taking clothes off, or what?” 

Celia gestured to him to keep it down, as they were sitting in a public place. “Well, you’ve had sex before and I haven’t,” she said quietly.  “What do you think will work?”

“Define ‘work,’” Rob said.

“What do you think will make it possible to meet halfway, for you, without it being more frustrating than satisfying?” 

Rob realized that Celia was thinking about things that had not occurred to him.  He had been so wrapped up in the black-and-white, sex-or-no-sex perspective.  Now that this vast area of gray had been made available to him, he had no idea where, or how, to tread. 

He had hated it in the past when girls had led him on, and he was unwilling to put Celia in that position.  “Maybe if you just tell me when you want to stop,” he said.  “As we go along.” 

Celia thought.  “But then that makes me the bad guy.”

“No, you’re being the good guy.  Girl.  For both of us.”

 “But what if I get so carried away I don’t want to stop,” Celia said.  “Will you be there for me, and remind me what I agreed to?”

“So you want me to protect you from you?”

Celia laughed.  “In a way.  This means you can’t lose your head.”

“What this means is that neither of us can afford to lose our heads.” 

“Sex is a big responsibility, Rob.”

“I know.  I am seeing that more with each passing moment.”  Rob couldn’t wait to marry this woman.   It was fascinating just to talk about sex with her. 

Just how far do Rob and Celia end up going?

Walking A Fine Line (Joanne's response)

I have never found "slippery slope" arguments to be useful in general because they tend to support either/or, black-and-white thinking regardless of the merit of the positions or variables; further I can think of many situations in which incremental change is useful and even necessary.  But the argument definitely does not hold water in this case for one clear reason:  Rob and Celia will be married in less than two months.  As Harold said, halfway often does not remain halfway for long, and in this case it does not need to.  Rob and Celia are searching for a meanwhile solution to an issue that is important to them both.  Now, if they were teenagers using "halfway" as a method of birth control, or partners attempting to preserve a technical virginity indefinitely, then I think efforts to escalate but limit sexual expression may well end in disappointment and, worse, pregnancy or STDs (because the couple who believe they're not going to go all the way probably aren't prepared to practice safe sex).  For Rob and Celia I can actually imagine a fun, relationship-building game of escalation, culminating in the whole enchilada (as we have said) on their wedding night.  

Walking a Fine Line (Harold's response)

I'm curious as to Celia's response about meeting Rob halfway on this one. I think her answer is going to enlighten me and Rob. Call me "old-fashioned" or maybe you have something worse to call me. But, I see Celia's "halfway" as the proverbial "slippery slope."

Many of us who have been in these "halfway" situations in intimate relationships can relate to likelihood that things don't stay "halfway" for long. It is incrementalism. Your brain/body becomes "bored" with what was previously exciting. You then want to get a little more to boost your excitement. And, before you know it "halfway" becomes "the whole enchilada"--which in Celia's case is where she has said she doesn't want to go before the wedding.

Yes, I'm disappointed in Celia's response. But, it is interesting to watch her efforts to satisfy Rob's needs. And, to Rob's credit, he has done a credible job of letting Celia know that she means more to him than sex--although that sure seems to be all he thinks about these days.

I guess we guys can be singularly-minded when it comes to the subject of sex. Can't we? 

Walking A Fine Line

Previous episode

Still talking sex or no sex.  Rob has determined that sex with or without marriage is fine as long as the couple agrees it will grow the relationship. 

Current episode

“But what if one of them doesn’t want to?” Celia asked. “Is that a deal breaker?”

“Obviously not,” Rob said, clearly implying that if it were, he would have walked a long time ago.   From across the table, in the fluorescent lights of the cheesy taco place, Celia thought Rob looked very sexy as he thought about whether sex was or wasn’t a good thing for them before the wedding.

“Rob – are you hurt that I don’t want to have sex yet?” she asked. 

Rob shook his head as he slurped at his root beer.  “No.  Not in a way that makes me mad at you”—he thought again.  “Well, maybe I am mad at you.  I’m mad that this goofy ceremony we are planning means more to you than my word about what the rest of our lives together mean.” 

“You don’t look mad.”

“I am a paragon of self-control,” Rob said.   He smiled at her.

Celia was aware of how difficult the last months had been for Rob, and how flexible he had been for her.  He had been steadfast. 

“It would be all right with you if we waited, wouldn’t it?” she asked. 

“It would be hard.  It is hard.  But it’s not a deal breaker.”

Celia had barely started eating yet, but now she wasn’t hungry.  “Be right back,” she said.  She picked up Rob’s empty root beer cup and her own empty cup, and headed for the drinks station. 

Maybe I do want more, she thought as she refilled her ice tea.  Maybe that’s what I needed Rob to say – that it’s not a deal breaker.  He would wait if I said we had to.  Celia refilled Rob’s root beer and sat back down. 

“I appreciate that you are willing to meet me halfway on this,” she said.

Rob raised his eyebrows.

“OK.  I appreciate that you have been willing to meet me on my side of the court.”  Celia considered her food and pushed the plate back.  “So let’s meet halfway.  Not the ‘whole enchilada’ as you said before, but something more than kissing.”

Rob shifted in his chair.  “I’m not sure what that means,” he said.  But he looked very interested.

“I’m not either,” Celia said.  “But I’m game.” 

What does Rob say next?

 

Tacos for Two (Harold's response)

I like the conversation that Rob and Celia are having. Rob has thought through his feelings about premarital sex and concluded that he's fine with it since the relationship is firm (in his mind). He was able to communicate this to Celia (kudos).

But, I also love Celia's response because it shows that she is secure enough in the relationship and in her own position that she can challenge his assumption--by stating what if the "firm" relationship diminishes?

Celia's position is as valid as is Rob's. And, I appreciate that she is willing to fight for it. Ultimately, it is her body that Rob wants (even if that is couched in the genuine context of intimacy). And, if Rob is really seeking to empathize with her (a skill that will suit him well in marriage), he will hear her reservations. He will do what he can to make her feel comfortable--prioritizing her desires over his. And, isn't this the ultimate test of success in any marital relationship? 

Tacos For Two (Joanne's response)

I appreciate that Rob took Celia's question seriously about when and why he thought it was OK for couples to have premarital sex. This couple has worked hard and incorporated the gains from their therapy sufficiently that Celia could ask the question without Rob feeling like his position was being challenged. Similarly, Rob has given this thought and stated his conclusion clearly.  I hope Celia will respond in kind, and not feel pressure to conform to Rob's position.  

Tacos for Two

Previous episode

Celia has challenged Rob on his position about when he thinks premarital sex is all right. 

Current episode

Celia was drinking an ice tea at the Mexican fast-food place near Rob’s office when Rob joined her.  They were going to grab a quick bite before their appointment with their therapist, Carolyn.

Rob sat across from her, looking tired from what Celia presumed was a long, stressful day in the accounting trenches, just as the server called the number for the food she had ordered.   She brought it to the table for them and began to serve him. 

“What’s for dinner tonight, honey?” Rob joked. 

“My specialty.  The Taco Trio Platter with rice and beans.  And root beer.  Served in paper wrappers, all for just $4.99.”  She sat down.  “You look tired.”

“I am exhausted by lust, Celia.”  Celia looked Rob directly in the eye, briefly fearing he was serious, and they both burst out laughing.

“Good line.  I’m going to remember it for our honeymoon.”

She watched as Rob unwrapped his tacos to figure out which was which.  He liked to eat the fish one first, then the chicken, then the beef.  Then the rice, then the beans.  This ordering of his food made Celia laugh every time, but it was so silly as to be endearing. 

“I have been thinking,” he said, having discerned the fish taco.  Celia paused in her own unwrapping.  “You wanted to know what I think about when sex is OK.  So I have been thinking about it.”

Celia nodded.  “Thank you for taking my question seriously.” 

“I think sex is an appropriate part of a committed relationship, whether the couple is married or not,”  he said.

Celia nodded again.  “Based on what?”

“I’m not sure it is something I can explain my reasoning on.  I don’t want to be like the guys in my office who are way left of me on this, but your position is a little too far right – this is just where I feel like I fall.”  Rob finished the first taco and licked his fingers.  “I think it is about growing the relationship, and if two people agree sex will help them grow it, then it should be OK.” 

Celia thought about this as she mixed her rice and beans together.  “What if two people have sex in order to grow the relationship but then decide they don’t want to be together anymore?”

“I think that is a risk they can agree to take.” 

What does Celia say next?

A Bridge Too Far (Joanne's response)

I don't see Rob looking to any religious source for guidance on the pre-marital sex issue, which means Rob is not looking for, as Harold writes, "an absolute standard" in his relationship.  While Harold and I surely have different views on what he might call "moral relativism" and what I might call "post-modern perspectivism," I will avoid that discussion for now.  I see Rob trying to figure out what is right for him, right now, in this relationship, on an issue over which he and Celia disagree, and on an issue in which agreeing to disagree is not really an option.  One of them will be hurt by the outcome of this, at least in the short term.  

I appreciate the degree to which Rob and Celia are wrestling with the issue, though.  Jack and Judy Balswick, retired professors of Harold's and mine from our grad school days at Fuller Seminary, offer guidelines regarding "singleness and  moral decision making" in an age of tolerance in their excellent book "Authentic Human Sexuality," which I will summarize here.  

"Do I have the right reason?"  This includes questions such as will either of us get hurt by this, are we emotionally ready to deepen our relationship to this level, what happens if one of us wants out of the relationship after we have sex, will psychological harm be caused, what if pregnancy occurs, etc.  

"Will it enrich our relationship?"  Does the couple believe "good" will come from this "mutual decision," considering whether adding intercourse will help them "keep the relationship in focus and to assume mutual responsibility for it."  

"Is it the right time?  Biblical norms about sexual intercourse aren't meant to deprive one of sexual pleasure, but to ensure the sanctity of a mysterious union embedded in a deeply satisfying covenant relationship."  

On the more complicated theological point of when covenant begins, which I have discussed in previous posts, they note, "One could argue that there is no such thing as 'premarital intercourse' because the act of intercourse itself... seals the union whether or not the couple intends to marry."  In this view, I (Joanne) would suggest that intercourse is the covenant act and marriage confirms it, rather than the view generally accepted in Christian culture that the marriage is the covenant act and intercourse confirms it.

In short, I believe the non-Christian can make moral, relationship-centered choices that do involve premarital intercourse, and the Christian can make similar decisions, though their reasoning may be different.  I do believe, in disagreement with Harold, that there are many issues around which what may be right for one person is not right for another.  When to have sexual intercourse is merely one of those issues.  

Reference: Balswick, J.O., and Balswick, J.K. (1998).  Authentic Human Sexuality:  An Integrated Christian Approach. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press