Digital Marriage

When the honeymoon goes south... (Harold's response)

Joanne's post makes an excellent point about what how healthy marriages differ from unhealthy ones. Couples often err in thinking that it is about conflict. We think healthy couples don't have conflict while unhealthy ones do. WRONG! I actually go out of my way to debunk this thinking because it leads to seriously false assumptions. Couples with such faulty thinking begin to feel like their marriage must be a mistake because conflict exists.

The reality is that conflicts will continue to present itself throughout the marital relationship. That is why Joanne's connect-disconnect-reconnect cycle is so important. When the inevitable disconnects happen do you have the tools to reconnect. Relationship expert, John Gottman, talks about "repair mechanisms" that couples need to help this emotional reconnection. Healthy couples have these repair mechanisms. Unhealthy couples, more often than not, do not have them.

What are "repair mechanisms?" They are acts/behaviors/words that let your partner know that they are important even when you're in a conflictual situation. It could be a "I love you." It could be a special home-cooked meal. It might be an arm around the waist. What it is is less important than what it represents to your spouse.

Next time you are in conflict with your partner, look to repair.

Forever yours

Celia stirred her strawberry milkshake with her straw.   She was glad to be at Rob’s, even happier he was feeling better.   The last few days, when he was sick and she took care of him, had only confirmed her devotion to him and their relationship.  She glowed in part ownership of his recovered health. 

She listened from the living room sofa as he fussed around in the bathroom, opening and closing cabinets and drawers; running water.  Rob was sick enough that he had required her help since Saturday, but Celia appreciated that he was taking the lead on caring for himself now that he was beginning to feel better.  That bode well for their future together.  She hoped she could be a similar patient, able to receive care that was freely offered when needed, but responsible enough to take over when possible.  She realized, as Rob re-entered the living room and walked towards her, that she felt admiration for him right now.  He seemed strong, and adult.  Celia had never before not admired him, but this was a new feeling,

“I’m supposed to take this with food,” Rob said, holding up a pill for Celia to see as he walked back in.   He sat down beside her and swallowed it, chasing it with his milkshake.  “So what did you want to talk to me about?” 

Suddenly Celia lost her own appetite and put down her milkshake on the table next to her food.  She felt a rush of sympathy for Rob.  She was highly aware of how vulnerable Rob had been when he had asked her to marry him last fall.  She had shot him down.  

“So like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few days”—

“I’m not sure when you would have done that, as busy as you have been taking care of me,” Rob said.  He was not eating now, but was sitting cross-legged in his bathrobe, facing Celia. 

“I was thinking while I was taking care of you.  I was thinking that this is where I belong, with you.  Being with you – Saturday night, Sunday, taking you to the doctor yesterday.  It was my job and it is a job I want.  You didn’t keep me from being where I was supposed to be – my roommate’s party Saturday night.  The party would have kept me from being with you.  This is where I’m supposed to be.”  Celia paused, looking Rob in the eye.  “This is where I would like to be forever.”

Rob held out his hand toward Celia.   In it, resting in satin inside a small velvet box, was the diamond ring he had bought in October.  The one she had refused.  

“How did you know what I was going to say?” Celia asked. 

How does Rob answer?

Moving Forward? (Joanne's response)

I find Harold's post intriguing, and I am reminded yet again just how different the perspectives of others can be.  It never occurred to me that Celia might be hurt by Rob's behavior; rather I suspect she finds it amusing, as Harold did.  Since she has turned her corner toward Rob, and has been "tending" him during his flu, so to speak, Celia seems better able to manage her own needs.  If Rob's come first in this instance, Celia grasps that hers still matter and will be attended to soon.  If Celia is hurt, I suspect she can speak that to Rob and he can hear it.  More important to those reading a relationship blog, though, is the potent truth about relationships illustrated by how differently Harold and I responded to Rob's "guy-ness." Imagine being in an intimate relationship with someone who sees black where you see white, and vice versa.  In short, that's marriage!    

Moving forward? (Harold's response)

I couldn't help but have a smile on my face with this latest episode. It just has a "feel good" sense to it. After all the topsy turvey incidents in Rob and Celia's relationship, I feel for the first time that they are on solid footing. 

Celia has been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks. And, this time of reflection has served her well in getting in touch with what she really wants out of the relationship. In many ways (and as Joanne suggested a couple of weeks ago) it is amazing how much clarity we can get about the direction of our relationships if we genuinely take the time to just think and sit with our feelings. Unfortunately, many of us are too busy to pay attention to feelings. Have you ever been there?

I think my biggest chuckle, however, came with Rob's "typical guy" behavior. Celia has cued up Rob that she has something important to say. Rob's ears perk up. He tells her to spill her guts. Then in classic guy fashion he dives into a burger and voices his appreciation that his appetite is back before Celia can even say a word. While this is funny, it does also serve a serious lesson to all of us for occasions that aren't funny. 

Many of us need to do a better job listening. Have you recently stunted what should have been a meaningful conversation because your attention drifted elsewhere? Have you been too quick to respond to your partner's comments without truly understanding the heart from which those comments are coming? It is too easy in the hustle and bustle of life to not be fully present at the important moments. Most of us can do better. And, we need to if we want our own relationships to move forward.

Moving forward?

Previous episode

Rob has had the flu for four days, so Celia has not yet told him about her evolution in thought about their relationship. 

Current episode

Rob had never before been so sick that his mother considered driving out from Cleveland to take care of him.  He might have taken her up on the offer had Celia not been so fully present for him.  Saturday night she had even spent the night on his sofa, which at the time seemed strange, but she told him earlier today that his fever was high enough then that she thought he might need the emergency room in the middle of the night.  On Sunday she went home only long enough to shower, change, and assess the party damage.  Yesterday she had taken Rob to an urgent-care facility since neither of them really had a doctor, and for the last twenty-four hours he had been taking anti-viral medication with every meal.   He was beginning to feel human again, and although he couldn’t imagine going back to work tomorrow he realized he was hungry for something besides chicken soup and jello. 

As if on cue, his front door opened and Celia walked in with wonderfully aromatic bags of burgers.

“Wow.  That’s some magical medicine they gave you yesterday,” she said as she put down the bags and her purse and took off her coat.  “You are beginning to look like yourself again.  How do you feel?”  She brought the food to the table, clearing it off to make room.

“Like the magic is working.  My head’s not hurting for the first time since Saturday.”

“Good.”  Celia seemed more pleased than he expected from that news update.  “I hoped you might be ready for something a little more substantial, food and otherwise.

“Otherwise?”  Rob sat up on the sofa so there was room for Celia to join him, which she did.  Together they began to unpack the food. 

“There are some things I want to talk to you about.  Are you up for that?”

“Uh oh.”

“I think they’re good things.”

“Then, have at it.”  Rob dug into the burger. “Man, this tastes good.  You are an truly an angel of mercy.”  He slurped a chocolate milkshake and shoveled a few fries into his mouth.  Celia played with her food, though Rob could tell she was pleased at the gusto of his response as she watched him. 

“I realized something this weekend,” she said.  “As if I had this massive perspective shift about everything.  We were getting ready for the party Saturday night, and I took a look around at my roommates and my life and it hit me”—

Rob stopped eating and looked at Celia.  Something had changed; she seemed different as she talked.  Actually, she had seemed different all weekend, he realized, but he had figured that was because he was delirious. 

--“that I am so done with this all.  I am ready to move forward.  I am ready to”—

“Stop,” Rob said.  “Hold that thought.  I need to get something.”

What does Rob get?

Being where you're "supposed" to be (Harold's response)

In this week's episode, I am most struck by Celia's response to Rob that she is supposed to be there with him rather than at the party as planned. As I think about Celia's response, my mind reminisces of those times in my own marriage where I wasn't where I was supposed to be. It is important to remember that being where you're supposed to be is as much about psychological and emotional presence as it is about physical proximity. I reflected on those times when my wife needed me to accompany her to some event that I did go to because I thought it wasn't a big a deal. I am reminded of the times when my wife has been emotionally vulnerable with me and my empathic response wasn't there for her. There are countless examples in my life. As the years have gone by I think I'm getting better at being where I'm "supposed" to be. What about you? It's important because these individual episodes of being where you're supposed to be are the bricks that build trust, safety, and vulnerability in marriage. And, of course these are the tools for increased relational intimacy.

Celia makes an  important choice to abandon the party that she had planned to attend. Instead she makes an investment in her future. She is where she is supposed to be because she is meeting the need of her man. And, this is the lesson for us all. We are in the best position when we are meeting one another's needs. That's where we're supposed to be.

Being where you're "supposed" to be (Joanne's comment)

I'm not surprised that for Celia, whose parents divorced when she was a teenager, love isn't about romance and roses.  Celia is showing love in the way she missed most in her family: simply taking care of each other.  This transcends emotions, whether it's chicken soup for the flu in your twenties, or remaining steadfast while a spouse of many decades disappears into Alzheimer's.  Offering care is a kind of behaving in love that transcends the how fleeting romantic feelings can be.  I am realizing that Rob, who comes from an intact and traditional family, is the romantic in this couple.  Celia is the realist and her first actions as Rob's future wife reflect that.  

Being where you're "supposed" to be

Previous episode

Ah, timing.  Rob came down with the flu, not only on the day of Celia’s roommates’ annual winter party, but on the day Celia came to some important realizations about their relationship. 

Current episode

When Rob coughed, his head pounded.  When he rolled over on the sofa he became nauseous.  If he blew his nose his sinuses burned, then his throat burned.   His entire body ached and he thought, this is what it feels like to be old.  Nothing works right.  He probably had a fever, too, but Rob didn’t own a thermometer.  The only thing Rob had was a bottle of Tylenol he had bought when his shoulder was sore after a softball game.  The several pills he had taken earlier didn’t even begin to take the edge off this. 

He turned on the television again, but watching anything aggravated the headache.  Finally, he settled on a basketball game to play low in the background while he closed his eyes.  He felt too crummy to sleep, but with the distraction he might relax. 

He heard his front door unlock, then open.  My mother is here, he thought, but he had spoken to her half-an-hour ago and she lived in Cleveland… I think I’m delirious.  He opened his eyes and saw Celia walking toward him.  She moved some magazines out of the way and sat on the coffee table, facing him.

“What are you doing here?”  Rob asked, his voice weak and rough. 

“I came to take care of you,” Celia said.  She was smiling.   Rob could see brown paper grocery bags on the floor near the front door. 

This doesn’t make sense, Rob thought.  Celia and her friends are having a party tonight and I’m going.  Then he was there, on a balcony next to a keg of beer, laughing with Celia.  It was cold outside, and he could feel himself shaking.  I should go inside to get warm, he decided, but his legs wouldn’t move.

Rob had dozed off. When he opened his eyes the curtains were pulled in the living room and the television, though on, was turned down.  A tall glass of water sat on the coffee table; it looked inviting but he couldn’t lift his arm to get to it.  Then Celia walked in, picked up the glass and handed it to him.  She was carrying a mug of something. 

“This is hot flu medicine,” she said, while Rob sipped water and tried to swallow it.  “I’ve never taken it but Jordan swears by it.”  She took the glass of water from him, exchanging it for the mug.  “I’m warming some deli chicken soup,” she said.  “Do you feel like crackers?”

“You’re supposed to be at your party,” he said.

“No, I’m supposed to be here, taking care of you.”

Rob was confused and his head pounded even more.   Celia was hardly a party girl but she liked being with her friends, much more than she liked hanging out with Rob at his apartment.  

“What do you mean, supposed to be here?” Rob said. 

How does Celia respond?

Raining on the parade (Joanne's response)

Harold pulled out a point from this story of which I had not thought -- that Celia can choose to respond in a way that enacts her feelings even though this is a bad time to state them.  Someday, this story about how Celia realized she wanted to marry Rob while dusting, but he had this awful flu, will become family lore that they'll repeat to their children, but for now the relationship will be best served with less talking and more doing.  Celia has a chance to express her inner mountaintop experience in a way that will serve Rob now, and their lives, forever, by offering the concrete care of the chicken soup variety.  I like Harold's umbrella metaphor.  There is room for two there, and Celia's disappointment can be voiced down the road, if ever.   

Turning a corner (Joanne's response)

Our lives move too fast, thanks to technology that provides real entertainment (417 friends on Facebook!) and something like productivity at times, but may not add anything to meaning.  A risk of the hyperconnected society is that we are constantly distracted from thinking about the lives we are living, which allows us to postpone indefinitely actually living those lives -- making decisions.  All this is to say that I am not surprised Celia came to a significant realization about her life while performing a very old-economy task -- dusting (and without the distracting entertainment of an iPod!).  Physical labor may be one of our only opportunities to be alone with our thoughts and feelings anymore, and that is a loss personally and societally.  Given a moment to think and a context in which to do it (dusting, for this party),  Celia turned a corner not only about what she wanted with Rob but in who she understood herself to be.  Great moments in our interior lives happen in unsung times and places.  Keep that in mind next time your toilet needs cleaned...