Digital Marriage

A picture of emotional immaturity -- Harold's response

I love Joanne's response to this episode. She captures my sentiment in describing how marriage is designed to erase the line between "your family" and "my family". Your family is my family. Therefore, your family struggles and joys are mine as well. This is sometimes a difficult process when in-laws feel more like out-laws. But, it is part of the shaping process that is family.

I do also appreciate how Rob comes to the defense of his wife--although he obviously is going to have his own issues with Celia once they get back in the car. But, in this moment he is her defender. He stands up to her mother to voice what Celia isn't voicing. He is giving language to Celia's emotional tumult. He wants his mother-in-law to look at herself in the mirror in a way that Celia has not yet been able to articulate. I think this is a major aspect of all marriages. We must be willing to defend and protect our spouses--even when we have some conflicts between us. In so doing, we increase the emotional capital of the marriage.

A picture of emotional immaturity -- Joanne's response

Poor Rob.  Having spent the day immersed in his "normal" family, what a drag to be dragged by Celia into her dysfunctional one.  Oh wait -- it's his family now, too.  Hmm, this must be one of those for-better-or-worse moments we all have, those days that require us to commit -- again -- to our marriages.  We cannot predict the forms "worse" will take and we do not get to choose which "worse" we'll keep and which we will jettison.  (This gets much more complex if the "worse" involves abuse or addiction, in which case protecting the vulnerable and holding the perpetrator accountable are faithful responses.)  Rob does not have to love this situation, but he does have to show love to Celia in how he handles it. There is still a good fight for them to have about how Celia may or may not have handled this, but now is not the time for that.  

When Marriage Becomes a Lonely Ride -- Joanne's response

When we marry a partner, we marry their entire family.  We also marry a person who, like everyone,will spend the rest of their lives outgrowing that family... the process we call"leaving," in theological parlance, or, "differentiating from," in family therapy-speak. Celia has more toxic baggage to outgrow than Rob does; for her the very fact of her marriage seems to have activated fear and anxiety in her family system.  Celia has two related tasks here:  one, to manage her family situation and offer legitimate care without enabling where it is needed, and two, to make sure she takes care of herself as she offers this care, in part so that the baggage does not overrun her new marriage.  The work of leaving and cleaving never ceases. 

When marriage becomes a lonely ride - Harold's response

Most of us marry to feel a constant sense of companionship--the comfort of knowing that someone is there for us. We often think of this from the perspective of a physical presence, which is certainly important. However, emotional presence is at least as important. When emotional attunement is missing, loneliness sets in. In the most challenging cases, this loneliness leads to despair. Sometimes, marriage can feel like a lonely ride.

Don't get me wrong. Marriages go through cycles. It is probably quite normal for every marriage to experience those acute periods in which the relationship feels lonely. It might be due to the demands of a job, birth of a baby, or a myriad of other stressors that cause emotional separation. I don't want to pathologize this phenomena when it is acute. However, in too many marriages it is a chronic condition that has weakened the foundation of the relationship.

Celia is on a lonely ride in many ways. She has allowed her worry about her mom and her feeling that Rob has ignored this worry to control her. 

When you experience this lonely episodes it is important to "remember the good" in your spouse. Deliberately think about the times when you felt close. Concentrate on the sacrifice that your spouse has made for you. Then, look within. Have you done anything to contribute to the current state of loneliness? In many instances, overcoming this loneliness is a matter of approaching your spouse with genuine request to reconnect. In cases where emotional wounds are deeper this will be a longer process of forgiveness, grace, and healing. Your marriage does not have to be a lonely ride. 

When In-Laws become Outlaws (Joanne's response)

Rob is walking a fine line here, trying to be present for Celia, while also trying to fix the situation as quickly as possible so he can spend an unimpeded evening with his cousins.  Grandma's birthday has provided Rob's family with a reunion the likes of which they may not see again soon, so it makes perfect sense that Rob wants to take full advantage of it.  Celia is walking a similarly fine line -- her anxiety has made it difficult for her to see how important this is to Rob, and if she cannot manage it she will miss out on a wonderful opportunity to get to know Rob and his family (in addition to ruining Rob's evening).  Rob's advice is good -- can Celia take charge of herself enough to hear it?

Family Patients (oops -- patience) Joanne's response

Harold makes good points about what Rob can do to best serve his marriage in this moment.  I would like to pull the lens back to look at the bigger picture, because emotionally mature people attempt, when their best selves are present, to connect their behavior in the moment to greater goals.  I identify with Rob's frustration -- my worst self has its own unhelpful reactions to Celia right now.  A kind and patient response from Rob serves the long term.  But the mistake Rob may make -- and many make in this situation -- is to neglect to inject his own valid perspective on Celia's mother.  Sometimes the degree of separation a son-in-law has is just what a situation needs.  Now is not the time -- Rob will be emotionally present for Celia tonight.  But tomorrow, he needs to have a sit down with her and offer his insights into her family dysfunction and share his legitimate fears about what it may do to his marriage.  He has a real interest in this outcome and a responsibility to speak up.   

Family Patients (oops Patience) --- Harold's response

Sometimes I must admit that I just don't understand my wife. Even after more than 21 years, there are those episodes where I just can't get why she sees a situation the way she does. By the way, I know she feels the same way about me at times.

Earlier in our marriage, I saw it as my duty to point out what I thought was erroneous or irrational thinking on her part. Somehow I thought that by pointing that out that eventually she would adopt a way of looking at things that was more akin to my own. Uhhhhh... NOT!

What actually happened was that she became annoyed at me and felt that I disrespected her opinions. And, she was right--though I would never have admitted (or honestly recognized) that back then.

In a healthy marriage, we must come to accept that there are some things that our spouse can explain to us that will make sense. And, then there are those other things that just don't. We demonstrate our love and our grace to our spouses as we are able to sit patiently with their opinions (without judging them). We show respect and build trust as we communicate verbally and non-verbally that what our spouse is saying has value (even if we don't agree with it). As we listen empathically, however, we may come to see our own positions as shifting some. This is a good thing in most instances because God placed you and your spouse together to shape one another--not for you to always have the right answers (because you don't).

In this episode, Rob is in another one of those key trust-building moments. He can show patience and sit with Celia's emotional frustration or he can take a more self-centered tact. The former will build trust. The latter will not. The former will bring them closer together. The latter will likely nudge them apart--even if a little. The same goes for your marriage and mine. Always choose closeness or distance. That is God's way.

Can you fix your family? (Harold's response)

Who hasn't tried to "fix" their family? Most of us grow up in homes where we learn to adjust to the wackiness or in some cases dysfunction that is our family. We learn to navigate mom's quirks and dad's temper. We deftly tolerate sister's narcissism and Uncle Ralph's biting sarcasm. It is all part of being family. In many ways (sometimes to a fault), it feels normal.

I remember my first time back home after leaving for college. While I was away I noticed differences in how other children interacted with their parents. I saw up-close how other husbands and wives interacted. When I returned home for the first time, my "normal" family functioning seemed "wrong". So, I took it upon myself to "fix it."

I figured it I just told my parents a thing or two about parenting and husband-wife interaction that everything would be fine. The Arnold home would be transformed. You know where I'm going with this don't, you? 

Not only did my words fall on deaf ears. But, I was reprimanded for acting like I knew something. In retrospect, I probably deserved it. Out of the naivete of my youth, I thought that behavioral change was really just about having someone point out the problem to be corrected. I thought that my "inspired words" could fix years of dysfunctional interaction.

We all wish for a fix--at least of others. We usually can't see the fix that we need ourselves. The moral of the story here is that we can't make anyone change. All we can do is change ourselves. Someone aptly coined the phrase "be the change you seek." If we each take that to heart we can fix our family by fixing ourselves. 

Negotiating through the Family Pull (Joanne's response)

I wrote last week about the family pull.  The family pull is harder to resist when you are in the middle of it, as Celia is right now.  Our family crazy is the air we breathe:  we get so used to it we don't even know it's there.  Celia is using a ton of emotional energy right now to identify and break the gravitational hold her mother has used since the divorce to keep Celia close.  Mom has her own work to do right now, obviously.  She welcomed Rob into the family, but it is more complicated than gaining a son-in-law to be the man in the family.  Celia can facilitate the process by staying out of it, for now.  Sometimes we have to speak our truth and back off, letting the consequences unfold.  It's never pleasant in the short term, especially around the holidays, but it allows long term growth and change to happen.

Negotiating through the Family Pull

Previous episode

Rob suggested to Celia that they invite her mother and sister Catherine to Cleveland to attend his grandmother’s ninetieth birthday party on the 26^th.  He and Celia both hope this will mitigate any negative reaction when Celia told her mother that they won’t be spending Christmas in Canton with her after all, which Celia had promised without first checking with Rob. 

Current episode

Mom was silent on the other end of the phone.  Celia, sitting at the kitchen table, winced and dropped her head into her hands.  “Mom?” she said.  Was her mother really stunned or was this a ploy to make Celia jump in and fix the situation? 

Celia hated that she was reneging on her promise to her mother.  But she remained silent, refusing to fall into the old pattern of fixing it.  Hadn’t the party invite been the fixing, anyway?

“Oh, Celia,” Mom said, sighing.  “But I have gifts for you and Rob.  I already bought a turkey for Christmas Day.  And where are we supposed to stay in Cleveland?”

“Well, you don’t need to stay anywhere in Cleveland,” Celia said. “It’s only an hour away.”  Mom was silent again, playing the helpless card.  “And you can give us gifts anytime.  We have one for you, too.”  They did not really have gifts yet but they did intend to get them. 

“What about the turkey?” Mom said.

Celia exhaled.  She had provided entirely acceptable solutions to two of three contrived obstacles.  There was a time when she might have panicked right now and jumped in with that solution, too.  “Roast it anyway,” she would have said.  “You can eat the leftovers for days and then Catherine can make soup from it.  You can freeze the soup.”  Then she would have promised to forward a good turkey soup recipe.  But Celia was tired of fixing things for her mother.

“Mom, I think you can figure out what to do with the turkey.  It’s just a turkey.”

There was silence again on the other end of the phone.  I could just say goodbye and hang up if I wanted to right now, she thought.  That seemed rude, but Mom did not seem to be getting the hang of her end of changing the rules. 

“Mom.  I’m very sorry I’m changing the plans, but I think Rob made a great suggestion.   The party for his grandmother will be wonderful, and we’ll get to hang out all we want.  Rob’s parents would love to have you.”  Celia felt like she had done her best, although she realized she was sweating. 

“So this is the way it’s going to be with you married, Celia?  It’s all about Rob’s family now, isn’t it?  I’ll talk to Catherine and get back to you about the party.”  With that, Mom hung up.  Celia exhaled again. 

What does Celia do next?