Digital Marriage

A picture of emotional immaturity -- Joanne's response

Poor Rob.  Having spent the day immersed in his "normal" family, what a drag to be dragged by Celia into her dysfunctional one.  Oh wait -- it's his family now, too.  Hmm, this must be one of those for-better-or-worse moments we all have, those days that require us to commit -- again -- to our marriages.  We cannot predict the forms "worse" will take and we do not get to choose which "worse" we'll keep and which we will jettison.  (This gets much more complex if the "worse" involves abuse or addiction, in which case protecting the vulnerable and holding the perpetrator accountable are faithful responses.)  Rob does not have to love this situation, but he does have to show love to Celia in how he handles it. There is still a good fight for them to have about how Celia may or may not have handled this, but now is not the time for that.  

When Marriage Becomes a Lonely Ride -- Joanne's response

When we marry a partner, we marry their entire family.  We also marry a person who, like everyone,will spend the rest of their lives outgrowing that family... the process we call"leaving," in theological parlance, or, "differentiating from," in family therapy-speak. Celia has more toxic baggage to outgrow than Rob does; for her the very fact of her marriage seems to have activated fear and anxiety in her family system.  Celia has two related tasks here:  one, to manage her family situation and offer legitimate care without enabling where it is needed, and two, to make sure she takes care of herself as she offers this care, in part so that the baggage does not overrun her new marriage.  The work of leaving and cleaving never ceases. 

When marriage becomes a lonely ride - Harold's response

Most of us marry to feel a constant sense of companionship--the comfort of knowing that someone is there for us. We often think of this from the perspective of a physical presence, which is certainly important. However, emotional presence is at least as important. When emotional attunement is missing, loneliness sets in. In the most challenging cases, this loneliness leads to despair. Sometimes, marriage can feel like a lonely ride.

Don't get me wrong. Marriages go through cycles. It is probably quite normal for every marriage to experience those acute periods in which the relationship feels lonely. It might be due to the demands of a job, birth of a baby, or a myriad of other stressors that cause emotional separation. I don't want to pathologize this phenomena when it is acute. However, in too many marriages it is a chronic condition that has weakened the foundation of the relationship.

Celia is on a lonely ride in many ways. She has allowed her worry about her mom and her feeling that Rob has ignored this worry to control her. 

When you experience this lonely episodes it is important to "remember the good" in your spouse. Deliberately think about the times when you felt close. Concentrate on the sacrifice that your spouse has made for you. Then, look within. Have you done anything to contribute to the current state of loneliness? In many instances, overcoming this loneliness is a matter of approaching your spouse with genuine request to reconnect. In cases where emotional wounds are deeper this will be a longer process of forgiveness, grace, and healing. Your marriage does not have to be a lonely ride. 

When marriage becomes a lonely ride

Previous episode

The weather was frigid and Celia turned up the heat in the car; however, more heat was insufficient to thaw the icy mood between them. “You do not understand the position this puts me in,” Celia had said at the party, to which Rob exhaled his impatience and said nothing. 

Current episode

After bidding farewell to Grandma and the family, Rob and Celia had gone out with his cousins to a chain theme restaurant.  Rob spent the evening with one intent, or so it seemed:  to communicate to Celia that her problem with her mother was just that:  her problem, both to deal with and get over as quickly as possible, because he had done enough.  One of the ways he communicated this to Celia was to drink more than usual, although Celia could not discern if this was more about partying with his cousins or about irritating her.  In any case, he had made a grand, jolly time of it at her expense.   

The upside to Rob’s drinking is that it literally put Celia in the driver’s seat.  Drinking made Celia maudlin on the best of days – probably the Irish roots -- so she refrained so as to avoid being an embarrassment to Rob and an irritation to herself and others.

Celia glanced away from the dark, isolated road to look at Rob, who was dozing in the passenger seat.  Rob did not know that when he woke up, it would not be at his parents’ home in Columbus, but at Celia’s mother’s house in Canton.  They would have to return to Cleveland to pick up their luggage before heading home to Columbus tomorrow, but that was the price they would both pay for failing to manage this situation differently.

Celia had been hurt by Rob’s marginalization at first, but then she had simply become angry.  As the crisis with her mother morphed into a crisis in her marriage, Celia even regretted having married Rob, but she fought this. Alone in the corner of the booth as hot wings and margaritas swirled around her, anger had spawned a plan, and now the plan was unfolding.  It had not been her intention to kidnap Rob to Canton without his assent, but he must have had more to drink than she realized.  The moment they got into the car, he was asleep – or maybe passed out.   He may not have been avoiding her intentionally, but since Rob had been unavailable to discuss her plan, Celia had no choice but to enact it unilaterally.  Two birds would be killed with this stone:  Celia would find out what was going on with Mom, and Rob would get the message that he could not treat her like that. 

She almost laughed as she imagined Rob’s reaction when he woke up, but not quite.  They would have the fight of a lifetime sometime in the next several hours, she knew.  But that was OK with her.  To allow Rob’s dismissal of her and her angst to carry the evening would have been to participate in a pattern she loathed, and which – now that she had a moment to think about it – reminded her of her parents before they were divorced.  Dad would get passive-aggressive and Mom would not fight back, instead curling up in a depressive ball that, a decade later, she was still trying to shake. 

She did not know what would happen on any front in Canton, but she did know this:  she was taking charge of the situation, because no one else around her would.

What do Celia and Rob discover in Canton?

When In-laws become Outlaws

Previous episode

Celia, wondering if it was possible to blow her nose often enough to actually empty it, found that Rob’s presence next to her was calming after the panic she felt when her mother failed to answer the phone.  Rob was talking, and she caught the words “my phone” after one particularly hard honk.  “What did you say?” she sputtered.

Current episode

“Let me try.  Maybe she’ll pick up if she sees that it’s me,” Rob said.  Celia realized her tears were slowing.  She wasn’t sure if this would accomplish anything, but Rob’s taking charge did make her feel less out of control.  She watched as Rob dialed Mom on his phone, blowing her nose one final time.  She took a deep breath, through her nose. 

“Hi, Mom,” Rob said.  Celia started, thinking he had been successful in reaching her, but then she realized he was leaving a message.  “It’s Rob.  Just wanted to check in.  We’re at my grandmother’s party and my parents are asking about you.”  Celia rolled her eyes at Rob, since this was not true, but he gestured as if to say What do you want?  I’m making this up as I go.  “So call me back when you can.”  He disconnected.  “I didn’t want to say Celia’s so worried about you she’s cracking up.  That’s kind of her whole idea.”

Now, that did not sound like a comment that necessarily put Rob in Celia’s camp right now.  “What does that mean?” Celia said.

“Look, we know everything is fine,” Rob said.  “She’s mad at you for not coming home for Christmas, so now she’s punishing you by not answering the phone.”  He walked over to the door of the parlor and waved to someone.  “We’ll be right out,” he called.  “Just talking to Celia’s mother.”  He turned around and looked at Celia.  He looked like he was struggling to remain patient. 

Rob’s analysis of her mother’s motives made Mom seem awfully calculated.   It wasn’t like that – Mom didn’t mean to be so difficult.  Mom had a hard life and she wasn’t particularly equipped to handle things as – maturely – as Rob and Celia might like. 

Celia was about to speak to this point when Rob’s cousin Carl popped his head in, high-fiving Rob and waving to Celia.  “Grandma’s leaving the party,” he said.  “Then it’s after-party time.” 

“We’ll be there in a sec,” Rob said to Carl.  “Just talking to Celia’s mother.”  Carl looked at Celia, who was plainly not talking to anyone, said, “Right,” and left. 

Rob sat down next to Celia.  “Look.  Please don’t make this out to be bigger than it is.  I think your mother is going to have to work through this.  We can either get out of the way to let her figure it out, or we can get in the middle and make sure that never happens.  I vote for getting out of the way so we can have some semblance of freedom in our own lives.”

What Rob said made sense, but Celia still felt stuck halfway between her mother and her husband, with neither in her camp.  Rob might say anything to make sure that his evening with his cousins wasn’t ruined.  But at least her crying had stopped.

“Please,” Rob said. 

What does Celia say next?

Negotiating through the Family Pull (Harold's response)

Healthy marriage requires boundaries. This includes personal boundaries that must guard the identity that God gives each person. But, it also includes boundaries around the married couple--protecting against outside intrusions that are unsafe for the marriage. There are unsafe people, places, things, and even ideas that are enemies of your marriage. Sometimes, these unsafe people are ones that we hold dear. 

Don't get me wrong. This isn't the time necessarily to excommunicate yourself from your loved ones. But, it is important to understand when you must draw a proverbial "line in the sand" for how much you allow people who aren't safe for your marriage to influence it.

In this specific episode, Celia is acutely aware that a boundary is necessary. And, I applaud her for refusing to be drawn into her mother's issue. It is a move that is likely important for future decisions as well.

Negotiating through the Family Pull

Previous episode

Rob suggested to Celia that they invite her mother and sister Catherine to Cleveland to attend his grandmother’s ninetieth birthday party on the 26^th.  He and Celia both hope this will mitigate any negative reaction when Celia told her mother that they won’t be spending Christmas in Canton with her after all, which Celia had promised without first checking with Rob. 

Current episode

Mom was silent on the other end of the phone.  Celia, sitting at the kitchen table, winced and dropped her head into her hands.  “Mom?” she said.  Was her mother really stunned or was this a ploy to make Celia jump in and fix the situation? 

Celia hated that she was reneging on her promise to her mother.  But she remained silent, refusing to fall into the old pattern of fixing it.  Hadn’t the party invite been the fixing, anyway?

“Oh, Celia,” Mom said, sighing.  “But I have gifts for you and Rob.  I already bought a turkey for Christmas Day.  And where are we supposed to stay in Cleveland?”

“Well, you don’t need to stay anywhere in Cleveland,” Celia said. “It’s only an hour away.”  Mom was silent again, playing the helpless card.  “And you can give us gifts anytime.  We have one for you, too.”  They did not really have gifts yet but they did intend to get them. 

“What about the turkey?” Mom said.

Celia exhaled.  She had provided entirely acceptable solutions to two of three contrived obstacles.  There was a time when she might have panicked right now and jumped in with that solution, too.  “Roast it anyway,” she would have said.  “You can eat the leftovers for days and then Catherine can make soup from it.  You can freeze the soup.”  Then she would have promised to forward a good turkey soup recipe.  But Celia was tired of fixing things for her mother.

“Mom, I think you can figure out what to do with the turkey.  It’s just a turkey.”

There was silence again on the other end of the phone.  I could just say goodbye and hang up if I wanted to right now, she thought.  That seemed rude, but Mom did not seem to be getting the hang of her end of changing the rules. 

“Mom.  I’m very sorry I’m changing the plans, but I think Rob made a great suggestion.   The party for his grandmother will be wonderful, and we’ll get to hang out all we want.  Rob’s parents would love to have you.”  Celia felt like she had done her best, although she realized she was sweating. 

“So this is the way it’s going to be with you married, Celia?  It’s all about Rob’s family now, isn’t it?  I’ll talk to Catherine and get back to you about the party.”  With that, Mom hung up.  Celia exhaled again. 

What does Celia do next?

Conflict resolution starts with an "I"

Previous episode

Rob and Celia are having their first home-from-the-honeymoon disagreement over whose family they will spend Christmas with, after Celia made promises to her mother before consulting Rob. 

Current episode

Celia, her head buried under her pillow, heard Rob leave the room.  She was angry – at herself, mostly, but she felt petulant, like a tantrum was coming on.  Why couldn’t Rob just give in and let her have it her way? 

She pulled off the pillow and sat up, listening to Rob opening the refrigerator in the kitchen.  She could not just have it her way, she thought, because she was married now.  Somehow she and Rob were going to have to find a way to strike a balance that felt fair to both of them.  Sometimes Rob would get his way, sometimes Celia would get hers.  Perhaps they could figure out what win-win looked like more often than not so that married life surpassed kids on the playground fighting over whose turn it was.

But a comfortable average, calculated over decades, was a useful theoretical construct that did not bring much to bear on this moment, today, when Rob and Celia each wanted their way.   Rob had been correct, she conceded, in making an assumption that what fair would look like here would be for them to be with Rob’s family, since they had indeed been with Celia’s mother and sister Catherine last year.   And a grandmother’s birthday party – you’re only ninety once, after all. 

And, to be completely honest with herself, Mom’s depression and its cycles would be with her, Celia, always, unless Mom could figure out how to actually do something about it herself.  But in the greater scheme of things, an emotionally unstable mother and a birthday party seemed comparatively black and white in terms of importance, and this was an angle she could parry as she and Rob talked. 

Celia threw off the covers and found her bathrobe on the floor next to the bed.  But it would be an intellectually cheap angle, she knew, because it wasn’t that clear-cut at all.  Just because Rob married a woman with a depressed mother did not mean Rob’s life, nor hers as his wife, could revolve around it. 

She was going to have to tell her mother that she had blown it by making a promise she couldn’t keep without being unfair to Rob.  Celia felt a wave of nausea as she thought about it.  It’s not that Mom would get mad – actually Celia wished she would, more often – but she would moan and carp and Celia would as a result feel guilty. 

Celia walked into the kitchen where Rob was standing at the counter pouring milk on cereal.  She hugged him from behind.

“I blew it,” she said.  “I shouldn’t have made plans without talking to you first.” 

With her head leaning on Rob’s back, she felt him nod his head.   She wished he would say something, but he did not.  He seemed to think this ball was still in her court. 

Maybe it was.  “So I’m going to call Mom and tell her we can’t be there for Christmas.  I can tell her I did not know about this party.”

Rob finally spoke.  “Well, I have an idea about that.  Canton and Cleveland aren’t that far apart.”

What does Rob suggest?

Bare ass-umptions (Harold's response)

Assumptions ruin marriages. They start early (as in the case of Rob and Celia). But, they can last for the duration of the marriage--often a shortened marriage because of them. Assumptions are bad because they are discounting. In other words, I discount the fact that my spouse has an opinion. In some cases discounting is done innocently. In these instances, one spouse is just caught up in his or her own head and forgets that there is another opinion to be considered. In other cases the discounting is done intentionally--disrespecting and uncaring as to the value that one's spouse can bring to the situation. 

Obviously the intentional neglect is worse than that which is unintentional. But, the bottom line is that your marriage suffers regardless of which type of assumptions you make. The solution, of course, is to consider one another wherever possible. By doing so, you make a statement of respect. And, you demonstrate the meaning of partnership--we're in this thing together.

Though Celia appears to realize her own mistaken assumptions, here is an opportunity for Rob to enrich the relationship by showing grace and redeeming her rather than throwing it back in her face. Let's see which he chooses.

Fight Flight

Previous episode

Rob and Celia agreed to approach Celia’s mom together to tell her that Celia’s divorced father may be attending the wedding and, further, Celia will be normalizing relations with him after the cold war of the previous years.  Mom overheard Celia’s stated need to “fortify myself for this lunacy,” and since Celia was referring to talking to her mother, she was in an awkward position.

Current episode

Rob and Celia glanced at one another behind Mom’s back as she poured herself coffee, then turned around and smiled expectantly.

Celia panicked and tried mental telepathy on Rob.  “Get me out of this,” she thought hard, making save-me gestures with her eyes, but Rob obviously didn’t need to be a mind reader to know what she was thinking.  He shook his head subtly and nodded in such a way as to make it clear that he expected Celia to handle it right. 

“Just the general craziness of wedding planning, Mom,” Celia said to Mom, while looking at Rob and begging for his forgiveness simultaneously.  She had just chickened out and Rob knew it; he looked irritated. 

“There are some other things Celia wanted to talk to you about, too, Mrs. G,” Rob said.    Celia could feel her heart begin to race and her face flush as the attention in the kitchen turned to her.  Rob thought she could handle this and expected it, now.  So did she, and up until this morning she had handled this.  She looked at her mother, who, at five-foot-two and wearing a pink bathrobe and slippers, was not a threatening person.  Celia wondered why the idea of confronting terrified her, but it did.

“Well, we can talk all weekend,” her mother said, picking up her coffee and heading out of the kitchen.  “I’m going to take a shower.” 

“Can I take you both out to breakfast?” Rob asked her as she left.  Celia wasn’t sure if she was grateful or annoyed at Rob’s not-so-subtle engineering of the situation. 

“I would love that, Rob.  There’s a new cafe out near the interstate where the old Texaco station used to be.  We can try that.”  They planned out the morning shower schedule and agreed to leave in half-an-hour, and Mom retreated to the second floor.

“I’m sorry, Rob,” Celia said.  “I didn’t want to have a fight.”

“Well, you might have to have a fight,” Rob said, angry.  Celia noticed that while she didn’t like it Rob was upset, it didn’t make her shake and cower the way the idea of dealing with Mom did.  “Haven’t we just been through this with ourselves?” Rob continued.  “If we don’t fight we don’t grow, Celia.  It’s the same with your Mom, and if you don’t figure out this thing with your Mom and Dad it’s going to effect us.” 

When Celia does tell her mother at breakfast, fortified by pancakes, how does Mom respond?