Digital Marriage

Love is...finding your empathic self

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Celia has just walked out on her mother and Rob, left alone in the house with his mother-in-law, has just called her on her behavior.

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“So you came down here in the middle of the night to talk to me like that?”  Mrs. Gillespie said to Rob.  “I don’t need this.”  She turned and walked back upstairs. 

Rob exhaled.  Typically Celia’s mother liked him and Celia had made use of the fact that Rob, who was not set off by Mrs. Gillespie’s reactivity the way Celia was, could calm her and reason with her about things.  Rob knew his last comment had not exactly been soothing.  But it had been honest. 

The front door was still open though the screen door was shut.  Celia’s mom was lazy – she did not remove the screen door in the winter like his father had always done.  Who needs an extra door when there are no bugs, Dad would always say.  But it occurred to Rob that this was part of the package of being a divorced mother.  There would always be more work to do than time or energy to do it, and worse, there was no one to ask for help.   Why would she take off a door in November that only had to be put back on in April?  As a wave of sympathy washed over him for his mother-in-law, he saw the next layer – that Celia had lived with a tired, depressed, overworked single mother for a decade.  In their own ways Celia and her sister Catherine had tried to help their mother, but Rob could see now that there was never enough help for someone so needy.

Actually, Celia walking out as she did, and Rob speaking to Mrs. Gillespie as he had, might be the best responses they could have enacted.   Rob did not necessarily think this would change Celia’s mom, but hopefully it could change the way Celia dealt with her. 

Rob walked out the front door, checking that it was locked but closing it hard enough that Celia’s mother would hear it and know they had left, in case she was waiting in her room to be coaxed back into their good graces. 

Celia was in the driver’s seat of Rob’s car.  Rob walked over to that side of the car and gestured to Celia to open the window, which she did.  She looked upset, staring out of the windshield.  

“Why don’t you let me drive?” Rob asked. 

“Because I figure you’re still drunk,” Celia said.  She continued to look straight ahead. 

Rob had been drunk when they had gotten in the car, at which point Celia was ostensibly driving them back to Rob’s parents’ house where they were spending the weekend.  Rob remembered he was mad at Celia, too, for kidnapping him and driving down here instead, although he had – admittedly – fallen asleep – well, maybe it was more like passed out – as soon as his butt hit the seat. 

What happens next?

A picture of emotional immaturity -- Harold's response

I love Joanne's response to this episode. She captures my sentiment in describing how marriage is designed to erase the line between "your family" and "my family". Your family is my family. Therefore, your family struggles and joys are mine as well. This is sometimes a difficult process when in-laws feel more like out-laws. But, it is part of the shaping process that is family.

I do also appreciate how Rob comes to the defense of his wife--although he obviously is going to have his own issues with Celia once they get back in the car. But, in this moment he is her defender. He stands up to her mother to voice what Celia isn't voicing. He is giving language to Celia's emotional tumult. He wants his mother-in-law to look at herself in the mirror in a way that Celia has not yet been able to articulate. I think this is a major aspect of all marriages. We must be willing to defend and protect our spouses--even when we have some conflicts between us. In so doing, we increase the emotional capital of the marriage.

A picture of emotional immaturity -- Joanne's response

Poor Rob.  Having spent the day immersed in his "normal" family, what a drag to be dragged by Celia into her dysfunctional one.  Oh wait -- it's his family now, too.  Hmm, this must be one of those for-better-or-worse moments we all have, those days that require us to commit -- again -- to our marriages.  We cannot predict the forms "worse" will take and we do not get to choose which "worse" we'll keep and which we will jettison.  (This gets much more complex if the "worse" involves abuse or addiction, in which case protecting the vulnerable and holding the perpetrator accountable are faithful responses.)  Rob does not have to love this situation, but he does have to show love to Celia in how he handles it. There is still a good fight for them to have about how Celia may or may not have handled this, but now is not the time for that.  

A picture of emotional immaturity

Previous episode

Celia’s mother has not been answering calls from either Rob or Celia while they were attending Rob’s grandmother’s party.  Rob assumed that she was blowing them off, angry that they did not visit for the holidays.  Celia hoped that was true, but feared something worse.  Following dinner with Rob’s cousins, during which Rob had had more to drink than Celia might have liked, Rob fell asleep in the passenger seat.

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Rob was a little drunk and his neck was stiff.  As he began to awaken from his doze, he remembered he was in his car and Celia was driving.  The car came to a stop and Celia maneuvered it to park.  Eyes still closed, he heard Celia put it in park, turn off the ignition and take the keys, open the car door, get out and close it, and walk away.  Rob opened his eyes and sat up to find that they were parked in the driveway of Celia’s mom’s house, NOT at his parents’ house in Cleveland where they were staying for the weekend.  

How dare Celia pull this on him?  As Celia unlocked the door of her mother’s house and walked in, Rob sat up and jumped out of the car, slamming the door behind him.  He was about to yell her name when he realized it was almost midnight.  The neighborhood was deserted. 

He walked inside the front door, only to hear shrieking upstairs, as (he presumed) Celia scared her mother silly, arriving unannounced as she did and waking her up.  He heard Celia say angrily, “Why didn’t you return my calls today?  I was worried sick about you!”  Rob’s anger at Celia was blunted somewhat as he heard the fear in her voice; he realized what a difficult day this had been for her.  Still, it had not merited driving down here. 

He could hear Mom whine some defensive response and Celia bicker in return.  Rob was about to go upstairs himself when he heard Celia coming back down, walking fast and stomping hard.  She walked right past Rob and out the front door, slamming it behind her.  Mom came downstairs right behind Celia.

Rob, not sure if Celia had even seen him, found himself literally caught between Celia and her mother; who turned on the light, saw Rob, and came over to hug him. 

“You didn’t need to come check on me.  I’m fine,” she said.  He heard the car door slam from outside as Celia got in.

Now Rob was angry with Celia’s mother.  “How would we know you were fine?” he said, forgetting that driving down here had not been his choice.  “How dare you worry us like that, just because you were pissed that we went to my grandmother’s party!” 

Mom recoiled as if Rob had slapped her.  Clearly, she was not used to being called on her emotional immaturity. 

What does Rob do next?

When Marriage Becomes a Lonely Ride -- Joanne's response

When we marry a partner, we marry their entire family.  We also marry a person who, like everyone,will spend the rest of their lives outgrowing that family... the process we call"leaving," in theological parlance, or, "differentiating from," in family therapy-speak. Celia has more toxic baggage to outgrow than Rob does; for her the very fact of her marriage seems to have activated fear and anxiety in her family system.  Celia has two related tasks here:  one, to manage her family situation and offer legitimate care without enabling where it is needed, and two, to make sure she takes care of herself as she offers this care, in part so that the baggage does not overrun her new marriage.  The work of leaving and cleaving never ceases. 

When marriage becomes a lonely ride - Harold's response

Most of us marry to feel a constant sense of companionship--the comfort of knowing that someone is there for us. We often think of this from the perspective of a physical presence, which is certainly important. However, emotional presence is at least as important. When emotional attunement is missing, loneliness sets in. In the most challenging cases, this loneliness leads to despair. Sometimes, marriage can feel like a lonely ride.

Don't get me wrong. Marriages go through cycles. It is probably quite normal for every marriage to experience those acute periods in which the relationship feels lonely. It might be due to the demands of a job, birth of a baby, or a myriad of other stressors that cause emotional separation. I don't want to pathologize this phenomena when it is acute. However, in too many marriages it is a chronic condition that has weakened the foundation of the relationship.

Celia is on a lonely ride in many ways. She has allowed her worry about her mom and her feeling that Rob has ignored this worry to control her. 

When you experience this lonely episodes it is important to "remember the good" in your spouse. Deliberately think about the times when you felt close. Concentrate on the sacrifice that your spouse has made for you. Then, look within. Have you done anything to contribute to the current state of loneliness? In many instances, overcoming this loneliness is a matter of approaching your spouse with genuine request to reconnect. In cases where emotional wounds are deeper this will be a longer process of forgiveness, grace, and healing. Your marriage does not have to be a lonely ride. 

When In-Laws become Outlaws (Joanne's response)

Rob is walking a fine line here, trying to be present for Celia, while also trying to fix the situation as quickly as possible so he can spend an unimpeded evening with his cousins.  Grandma's birthday has provided Rob's family with a reunion the likes of which they may not see again soon, so it makes perfect sense that Rob wants to take full advantage of it.  Celia is walking a similarly fine line -- her anxiety has made it difficult for her to see how important this is to Rob, and if she cannot manage it she will miss out on a wonderful opportunity to get to know Rob and his family (in addition to ruining Rob's evening).  Rob's advice is good -- can Celia take charge of herself enough to hear it?

When In-laws become Outlaws

Previous episode

Celia, wondering if it was possible to blow her nose often enough to actually empty it, found that Rob’s presence next to her was calming after the panic she felt when her mother failed to answer the phone.  Rob was talking, and she caught the words “my phone” after one particularly hard honk.  “What did you say?” she sputtered.

Current episode

“Let me try.  Maybe she’ll pick up if she sees that it’s me,” Rob said.  Celia realized her tears were slowing.  She wasn’t sure if this would accomplish anything, but Rob’s taking charge did make her feel less out of control.  She watched as Rob dialed Mom on his phone, blowing her nose one final time.  She took a deep breath, through her nose. 

“Hi, Mom,” Rob said.  Celia started, thinking he had been successful in reaching her, but then she realized he was leaving a message.  “It’s Rob.  Just wanted to check in.  We’re at my grandmother’s party and my parents are asking about you.”  Celia rolled her eyes at Rob, since this was not true, but he gestured as if to say What do you want?  I’m making this up as I go.  “So call me back when you can.”  He disconnected.  “I didn’t want to say Celia’s so worried about you she’s cracking up.  That’s kind of her whole idea.”

Now, that did not sound like a comment that necessarily put Rob in Celia’s camp right now.  “What does that mean?” Celia said.

“Look, we know everything is fine,” Rob said.  “She’s mad at you for not coming home for Christmas, so now she’s punishing you by not answering the phone.”  He walked over to the door of the parlor and waved to someone.  “We’ll be right out,” he called.  “Just talking to Celia’s mother.”  He turned around and looked at Celia.  He looked like he was struggling to remain patient. 

Rob’s analysis of her mother’s motives made Mom seem awfully calculated.   It wasn’t like that – Mom didn’t mean to be so difficult.  Mom had a hard life and she wasn’t particularly equipped to handle things as – maturely – as Rob and Celia might like. 

Celia was about to speak to this point when Rob’s cousin Carl popped his head in, high-fiving Rob and waving to Celia.  “Grandma’s leaving the party,” he said.  “Then it’s after-party time.” 

“We’ll be there in a sec,” Rob said to Carl.  “Just talking to Celia’s mother.”  Carl looked at Celia, who was plainly not talking to anyone, said, “Right,” and left. 

Rob sat down next to Celia.  “Look.  Please don’t make this out to be bigger than it is.  I think your mother is going to have to work through this.  We can either get out of the way to let her figure it out, or we can get in the middle and make sure that never happens.  I vote for getting out of the way so we can have some semblance of freedom in our own lives.”

What Rob said made sense, but Celia still felt stuck halfway between her mother and her husband, with neither in her camp.  Rob might say anything to make sure that his evening with his cousins wasn’t ruined.  But at least her crying had stopped.

“Please,” Rob said. 

What does Celia say next?

Family Patients (oops -- patience) Joanne's response

Harold makes good points about what Rob can do to best serve his marriage in this moment.  I would like to pull the lens back to look at the bigger picture, because emotionally mature people attempt, when their best selves are present, to connect their behavior in the moment to greater goals.  I identify with Rob's frustration -- my worst self has its own unhelpful reactions to Celia right now.  A kind and patient response from Rob serves the long term.  But the mistake Rob may make -- and many make in this situation -- is to neglect to inject his own valid perspective on Celia's mother.  Sometimes the degree of separation a son-in-law has is just what a situation needs.  Now is not the time -- Rob will be emotionally present for Celia tonight.  But tomorrow, he needs to have a sit down with her and offer his insights into her family dysfunction and share his legitimate fears about what it may do to his marriage.  He has a real interest in this outcome and a responsibility to speak up.   

Family Patients (oops Patience) --- Harold's response

Sometimes I must admit that I just don't understand my wife. Even after more than 21 years, there are those episodes where I just can't get why she sees a situation the way she does. By the way, I know she feels the same way about me at times.

Earlier in our marriage, I saw it as my duty to point out what I thought was erroneous or irrational thinking on her part. Somehow I thought that by pointing that out that eventually she would adopt a way of looking at things that was more akin to my own. Uhhhhh... NOT!

What actually happened was that she became annoyed at me and felt that I disrespected her opinions. And, she was right--though I would never have admitted (or honestly recognized) that back then.

In a healthy marriage, we must come to accept that there are some things that our spouse can explain to us that will make sense. And, then there are those other things that just don't. We demonstrate our love and our grace to our spouses as we are able to sit patiently with their opinions (without judging them). We show respect and build trust as we communicate verbally and non-verbally that what our spouse is saying has value (even if we don't agree with it). As we listen empathically, however, we may come to see our own positions as shifting some. This is a good thing in most instances because God placed you and your spouse together to shape one another--not for you to always have the right answers (because you don't).

In this episode, Rob is in another one of those key trust-building moments. He can show patience and sit with Celia's emotional frustration or he can take a more self-centered tact. The former will build trust. The latter will not. The former will bring them closer together. The latter will likely nudge them apart--even if a little. The same goes for your marriage and mine. Always choose closeness or distance. That is God's way.