Digital Marriage

Love is...finding your empathic self

Previous episode

Celia has just walked out on her mother and Rob, left alone in the house with his mother-in-law, has just called her on her behavior.

Current episode

“So you came down here in the middle of the night to talk to me like that?”  Mrs. Gillespie said to Rob.  “I don’t need this.”  She turned and walked back upstairs. 

Rob exhaled.  Typically Celia’s mother liked him and Celia had made use of the fact that Rob, who was not set off by Mrs. Gillespie’s reactivity the way Celia was, could calm her and reason with her about things.  Rob knew his last comment had not exactly been soothing.  But it had been honest. 

The front door was still open though the screen door was shut.  Celia’s mom was lazy – she did not remove the screen door in the winter like his father had always done.  Who needs an extra door when there are no bugs, Dad would always say.  But it occurred to Rob that this was part of the package of being a divorced mother.  There would always be more work to do than time or energy to do it, and worse, there was no one to ask for help.   Why would she take off a door in November that only had to be put back on in April?  As a wave of sympathy washed over him for his mother-in-law, he saw the next layer – that Celia had lived with a tired, depressed, overworked single mother for a decade.  In their own ways Celia and her sister Catherine had tried to help their mother, but Rob could see now that there was never enough help for someone so needy.

Actually, Celia walking out as she did, and Rob speaking to Mrs. Gillespie as he had, might be the best responses they could have enacted.   Rob did not necessarily think this would change Celia’s mom, but hopefully it could change the way Celia dealt with her. 

Rob walked out the front door, checking that it was locked but closing it hard enough that Celia’s mother would hear it and know they had left, in case she was waiting in her room to be coaxed back into their good graces. 

Celia was in the driver’s seat of Rob’s car.  Rob walked over to that side of the car and gestured to Celia to open the window, which she did.  She looked upset, staring out of the windshield.  

“Why don’t you let me drive?” Rob asked. 

“Because I figure you’re still drunk,” Celia said.  She continued to look straight ahead. 

Rob had been drunk when they had gotten in the car, at which point Celia was ostensibly driving them back to Rob’s parents’ house where they were spending the weekend.  Rob remembered he was mad at Celia, too, for kidnapping him and driving down here instead, although he had – admittedly – fallen asleep – well, maybe it was more like passed out – as soon as his butt hit the seat. 

What happens next?

A picture of emotional immaturity -- Joanne's response

Poor Rob.  Having spent the day immersed in his "normal" family, what a drag to be dragged by Celia into her dysfunctional one.  Oh wait -- it's his family now, too.  Hmm, this must be one of those for-better-or-worse moments we all have, those days that require us to commit -- again -- to our marriages.  We cannot predict the forms "worse" will take and we do not get to choose which "worse" we'll keep and which we will jettison.  (This gets much more complex if the "worse" involves abuse or addiction, in which case protecting the vulnerable and holding the perpetrator accountable are faithful responses.)  Rob does not have to love this situation, but he does have to show love to Celia in how he handles it. There is still a good fight for them to have about how Celia may or may not have handled this, but now is not the time for that.  

When marriage becomes a lonely ride - Harold's response

Most of us marry to feel a constant sense of companionship--the comfort of knowing that someone is there for us. We often think of this from the perspective of a physical presence, which is certainly important. However, emotional presence is at least as important. When emotional attunement is missing, loneliness sets in. In the most challenging cases, this loneliness leads to despair. Sometimes, marriage can feel like a lonely ride.

Don't get me wrong. Marriages go through cycles. It is probably quite normal for every marriage to experience those acute periods in which the relationship feels lonely. It might be due to the demands of a job, birth of a baby, or a myriad of other stressors that cause emotional separation. I don't want to pathologize this phenomena when it is acute. However, in too many marriages it is a chronic condition that has weakened the foundation of the relationship.

Celia is on a lonely ride in many ways. She has allowed her worry about her mom and her feeling that Rob has ignored this worry to control her. 

When you experience this lonely episodes it is important to "remember the good" in your spouse. Deliberately think about the times when you felt close. Concentrate on the sacrifice that your spouse has made for you. Then, look within. Have you done anything to contribute to the current state of loneliness? In many instances, overcoming this loneliness is a matter of approaching your spouse with genuine request to reconnect. In cases where emotional wounds are deeper this will be a longer process of forgiveness, grace, and healing. Your marriage does not have to be a lonely ride. 

When In-Laws become Outlaws (Joanne's response)

Rob is walking a fine line here, trying to be present for Celia, while also trying to fix the situation as quickly as possible so he can spend an unimpeded evening with his cousins.  Grandma's birthday has provided Rob's family with a reunion the likes of which they may not see again soon, so it makes perfect sense that Rob wants to take full advantage of it.  Celia is walking a similarly fine line -- her anxiety has made it difficult for her to see how important this is to Rob, and if she cannot manage it she will miss out on a wonderful opportunity to get to know Rob and his family (in addition to ruining Rob's evening).  Rob's advice is good -- can Celia take charge of herself enough to hear it?

Family Patients (oops -- patience) Joanne's response

Harold makes good points about what Rob can do to best serve his marriage in this moment.  I would like to pull the lens back to look at the bigger picture, because emotionally mature people attempt, when their best selves are present, to connect their behavior in the moment to greater goals.  I identify with Rob's frustration -- my worst self has its own unhelpful reactions to Celia right now.  A kind and patient response from Rob serves the long term.  But the mistake Rob may make -- and many make in this situation -- is to neglect to inject his own valid perspective on Celia's mother.  Sometimes the degree of separation a son-in-law has is just what a situation needs.  Now is not the time -- Rob will be emotionally present for Celia tonight.  But tomorrow, he needs to have a sit down with her and offer his insights into her family dysfunction and share his legitimate fears about what it may do to his marriage.  He has a real interest in this outcome and a responsibility to speak up.   

Family Patients (oops Patience) --- Harold's response

Sometimes I must admit that I just don't understand my wife. Even after more than 21 years, there are those episodes where I just can't get why she sees a situation the way she does. By the way, I know she feels the same way about me at times.

Earlier in our marriage, I saw it as my duty to point out what I thought was erroneous or irrational thinking on her part. Somehow I thought that by pointing that out that eventually she would adopt a way of looking at things that was more akin to my own. Uhhhhh... NOT!

What actually happened was that she became annoyed at me and felt that I disrespected her opinions. And, she was right--though I would never have admitted (or honestly recognized) that back then.

In a healthy marriage, we must come to accept that there are some things that our spouse can explain to us that will make sense. And, then there are those other things that just don't. We demonstrate our love and our grace to our spouses as we are able to sit patiently with their opinions (without judging them). We show respect and build trust as we communicate verbally and non-verbally that what our spouse is saying has value (even if we don't agree with it). As we listen empathically, however, we may come to see our own positions as shifting some. This is a good thing in most instances because God placed you and your spouse together to shape one another--not for you to always have the right answers (because you don't).

In this episode, Rob is in another one of those key trust-building moments. He can show patience and sit with Celia's emotional frustration or he can take a more self-centered tact. The former will build trust. The latter will not. The former will bring them closer together. The latter will likely nudge them apart--even if a little. The same goes for your marriage and mine. Always choose closeness or distance. That is God's way.

Family Patients (oops Patience)

Previous episode

Rob had forgotten that his cousins were a blast to hang out with.  Including Rob, they were four boys born within three years of one another, and even the last time they had all been together that gap had seemed significant.  Now that they had all graduated from college, had jobs, were married or had girlfriends, it seemed they were living slightly different iterations of roughly the same life.  Embedded within the generations of his family, Rob glimpsed that this current season was special – he was newly married, had no kids yet, with parents still healthy and active – NOW was a gift to enjoy.

Current episode

But what Rob really wanted was to enjoy it with Celia at his side.  As he walked across the lobby toward her his happiness grew with each stride, until he saw her face, pale and ashen, like she had just heard news of a death.  When he asked what was wrong Celia burst into tears, which was a very un-Celia response to anything.  He had not married a bursting-into-tears kind of girl.  As he sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulders, he scanned Celia’s family in his mind – Mom has cancer?  Catherine was in a car accident?  Dad, even?

“What’s wrong?” he said again, quietly.  He could feel Celia trembling as she sobbed next to him, and despite himself, his defenses rose as his expectation of an evening of partying with cousins began to collapse.  Afraid the scene would attract the wrong kind of attention from his family, he saw a small side parlor nearby and maneuvered her into it, grabbing some tissues from a countertop along the way. 

“It’s Mom,” Celia said.  Rob stiffened, his heart sinking as he waited for the worst; he now imagined taking a week off work to help Celia with funeral plans.   

“What happened?” he said, still keeping his voice quiet since something instinctive guided him to do so. 

“She’s not answering the phone,” Celia stammered.  Rob waited for the “and.”  Celia began to blow her nose with the tissues he provided.  “I called twice just now.” 

It was on the tip of his tongue to say, Is that all?  But he refrained, since there must be something more at play.  Rob knew Celia had been talking to her mother and sister Catherine all week, trying to smooth over the issues spawned by Rob and Celia not spending Christmas with them.  Still, it was hard not to be impatient.  They weren’t drama queens, exactly, but tempests in teapots were a family specialty.  Why had Celia called, anyway?  She knew her mother was in a snit.  Why play to it?  

What does Rob say next?

Conflict resolution starts with an "I"

Previous episode

Rob and Celia are having their first home-from-the-honeymoon disagreement over whose family they will spend Christmas with, after Celia made promises to her mother before consulting Rob. 

Current episode

Celia, her head buried under her pillow, heard Rob leave the room.  She was angry – at herself, mostly, but she felt petulant, like a tantrum was coming on.  Why couldn’t Rob just give in and let her have it her way? 

She pulled off the pillow and sat up, listening to Rob opening the refrigerator in the kitchen.  She could not just have it her way, she thought, because she was married now.  Somehow she and Rob were going to have to find a way to strike a balance that felt fair to both of them.  Sometimes Rob would get his way, sometimes Celia would get hers.  Perhaps they could figure out what win-win looked like more often than not so that married life surpassed kids on the playground fighting over whose turn it was.

But a comfortable average, calculated over decades, was a useful theoretical construct that did not bring much to bear on this moment, today, when Rob and Celia each wanted their way.   Rob had been correct, she conceded, in making an assumption that what fair would look like here would be for them to be with Rob’s family, since they had indeed been with Celia’s mother and sister Catherine last year.   And a grandmother’s birthday party – you’re only ninety once, after all. 

And, to be completely honest with herself, Mom’s depression and its cycles would be with her, Celia, always, unless Mom could figure out how to actually do something about it herself.  But in the greater scheme of things, an emotionally unstable mother and a birthday party seemed comparatively black and white in terms of importance, and this was an angle she could parry as she and Rob talked. 

Celia threw off the covers and found her bathrobe on the floor next to the bed.  But it would be an intellectually cheap angle, she knew, because it wasn’t that clear-cut at all.  Just because Rob married a woman with a depressed mother did not mean Rob’s life, nor hers as his wife, could revolve around it. 

She was going to have to tell her mother that she had blown it by making a promise she couldn’t keep without being unfair to Rob.  Celia felt a wave of nausea as she thought about it.  It’s not that Mom would get mad – actually Celia wished she would, more often – but she would moan and carp and Celia would as a result feel guilty. 

Celia walked into the kitchen where Rob was standing at the counter pouring milk on cereal.  She hugged him from behind.

“I blew it,” she said.  “I shouldn’t have made plans without talking to you first.” 

With her head leaning on Rob’s back, she felt him nod his head.   She wished he would say something, but he did not.  He seemed to think this ball was still in her court. 

Maybe it was.  “So I’m going to call Mom and tell her we can’t be there for Christmas.  I can tell her I did not know about this party.”

Rob finally spoke.  “Well, I have an idea about that.  Canton and Cleveland aren’t that far apart.”

What does Rob suggest?

How to make healthy marriage decisions (Harold's response)

In this episode I was particularly struck by Celia's question to Rob when again he instantly went in "pennypincher" mode, “Why can’t you just stop doing it?” Seems like a reasonable question to Celia. The behavior is annoying to her, so stop. How many of you have had your spouse ask you a similar question.  They ask it so cavalier, so nonchalantly. 

I get a number of these questions from my wife, usually about some facet of my communication style--either verbal or non-verbal. For example, I often get a furrowed brow when listening or responding to my wife. I've had this furrowed brow look since I was a kid. In fact, my mother gave me much grief because of it. But, my wife Dalia is often put-off by it. Like Celia, she just wants me to stop doing it. 

As you might expect, my response is similar to Rob's. "It's automatic." This is true. But, it doesn't make my wife feel any better. I have to figure out how to understand its impact on my wife. I have to keep trying to improve it. And, I have to ask for grace in the process. 

What are the situations in your marital relationship where you or your spouse just ask "why can't you just stop doing it?" This is an excellent opportunity to dialogue in a way that deepens your relationship. And, it will help you to make healthier marriage decisions for years to come.

Holiday Reflections (Harold's response)

Yeah Rob! I'm so proud of him. In this episode Rob surprised me with his act of giving. Rather than wallowing in his own stew, Rob made a decision to prioritize Celia. At a moment when he could have said, "I told you so", he chose instead to show empathy. 

Rob may not have realized it at the time, but this was one of those classic instances that all relationships experience. It is the moment where a decision is made for self or for other. If Rob had made a selfish decision, he would have significantly hampered the growth of his relationship with Celia. By genuinely being there for Celia, he actually changed the paradigm that they had been operating under. When any relationship is kinda stuck in the mundane or "business as usual" mode, it takes something out of the ordinary to change things. To Rob's credit, his extraordinary act was simply empathic listening--earnestly trying to put himself in Celia's shoes. Honestly, I think Celia was surprised by his action. Because Rob changed his stance, he indirectly (and unintentionally) changed Celia's thinking about a long-term relationship with him. But, it didn't stop there. Rob's empathy carried over to his visit with Celia's family. In fact, his presence transformed a sullen Christmas time into an enjoyable time of bonding.

There is an important lesson here. When we make a decision to care for others without selfish intent, we strike a deep chord (particularly in intimate relationships). If you are experiencing a period of "stuckness" in your own romantic relationship, try doing something out of the ordinary. Surprise your partner! You may be surprised yourself by the direct and indirect impact of your act of giving selflessly.