Digital Marriage

The family dynamics of wedding planning (Harold's response)

Today I participated in a marriage conference. As I sat listening to one of the questions, I thought about Rob and Celia's latest episode. Here is a paraphrase of a question posed by an engaged man while his fiancee was sitting there beside him, "How do I get my fiancee to be to focus more on the marriage than on the wedding planning." The question felt somewhat strange to me given that his fiancee was sitting right there. I was pleased when one of the speakers validated the importance of the wedding ceremony to Black females who have dreamed of their wedding day since they were little girls. She encouraged the man to let her have this time to enjoy. It is just one day. Then the focus for the rest of your life will be on the marriage.

There are so many dimensions to wedding planning. But, I think that in the end it reveals a lot about each fiancee and the people that are close to them (e.g., family). While the wedding event is one day, it can certainly be a proxy for a lifetime of challenges (if not properly addressed). Who do you feel you must accommodate or please in the wedding? Who must be tiptoed around like you're on eggshells? Who do you worry will be displeased if you do what you want to do? These are all questions that arise in wedding planning. But, they are also questions that arise in marriage. As such, the wedding event gives a small window into what the major decisions in the marriage may face. It is important, therefore, to be attentive with them at the wedding. This doesn't mean that you don't try to please those who matter to you. But, you should find ways for the stakeholders of your marriage (e.g., family and friends) to feel like they are a part of the wedding day and of the ongoing marriage.

If I had responded to the man today at the conference, I would have affirmed that he is right to want to focus on their life post-wedding day. But, I would have stressed to him that his need to affirm his fiancee's wishes and needs at this important wedding event is a good test for how they will need to affirm each other's needs thereafter. The clear message then is that he empathizes with her now this will establish a pattern of interaction going forward.

The family dynamics of wedding planning

Rob and Celia were on speakerphone at Rob’s place, talking to Rob’s parents.   Together they had just told them they were engaged.  The Bentons responded, as expected, with surprise, happiness and congratulations.  Rob’s youngest sister Maria, still in high school, got on to squeal at them with excitement and make sure she would be a bridesmaid.

“Of course.  I mean, we haven’t discussed details, but of course you’ll be one.  No pink, though,” Celia said. 

“Lime green?” Maria asked.

“Put Mom back on,” Rob said.  “You’ll be the first to know what color the dresses will be.”  He rolled his eyes at Celia, who smiled, though she was thinking, yikes, I have a wedding to plan.  And pay for.  Celia had no money, her mother had no money, and Dad – well, Celia hadn’t talked to her father for months and hadn’t seen him for three years.  Asking him to finance a wedding after blowing off his overtures toward her seemed rude at best and at worst, hypocritical.  Rob had a good job, but he had school loans and a car note over and above his living expenses.  He always seemed worried about money. 

Then, even if she figured out the who-pays part, would she have to invite her father?  Would he expect to play father-of-the-bride?  In fact, until Maria had mentioned it, Celia had not thought about dresses, walking down aisles, or any of it. While she knew from watching friends that couples seemed to enjoy being engaged and planning weddings, suddenly Celia was overwhelmed.  She wanted to snap her fingers and be married.  Even the moving into Rob’s apartment part.  On some fantasy plane she had believed that by getting engaged, she would be married, but it hadn’t hit her until Maria had asked about bridesmaids. 

Celia walked to the sofa and plopped down, pulling her legs underneath Indian-style.  She watched as Rob, genuinely happy as he narrated the how of their engagement (eating fast food together as he recovered from the flu), paced back and forth as he talked, laughing easily.  Rob could be so relaxed with his family, Celia thought.  They really like each other.  The first time Celia had met Rob’s family was at the wedding of one of his cousins, and it had been a wonderful time, with everyone happy, engaged in the activities, and freely expressing love and family togetherness.  Celia had not attended that many weddings in her family, but the few she had were marked by drama and drinking more than joy. 

Rob was talking golf with his dad, which Celia knew meant the conversation was almost over.  How did I get someone so normal to fall in love with me, she thought?

Rob disconnected the call and walked toward the sofa, grinning.  “So, lavender or lime green, roses or daisies, chocolate or carrot cake?” he said, sitting next to Celia and leaning in for a just-told-my-parents-we’re-engaged smooch.  Celia responded accordingly, then pushed Rob back far enough that she could look him in the eye.

“Rob, what do you think about eloping?”

How does Rob respond?

Wedding Planning Missteps (Harold's response)

One of the things that plagues marriages and intimate relationships is faulty memory. It sounds kind of funny. But, couples would tremendously benefit if we could realize that memory is very fragile. However, this is so contrary to our intuitive sense of things. We believe our memories are a 100% "memorex moment" playback of facts. This is totally inaccurate. In reality, memories are really reconstructions based on the sensory data that our brain processes from all of our senses at the time of memory encoding and influenced by other events that may cause decay of that memory. This is why a couple who experienced the "same" event can have different recollections of events. 

As a consider Rob and Celia's latest episode, I immediately thought of how important it is for couples to take more flexible stances--especially concerning events that happened a while ago, events that are fraught with emotionality, or events that transpired in the midst of chaotic situations. During any of these situations our brain's capacity for exact recall is imperfect.

Yet, couples often damage the relationship by insisting that their respective memories are exact. For me, Rob and Celia have identified their different recall of the situation. Now, it is their responsibility as an engaged couple to forget who is exactly right and focus on their process of communicating their engagement to Rob's family. 

Wedding Planning Missteps

Background

Rob and Celia have been engaged for several days but they have not yet discussed any wedding details. Rob returned to work following his bout with the flu and played catch up; Celia’s church choir directing became more hectic as Easter approached. 

Current Episode

Rob carried a tray with fast-food Mexican from the counter while Celia filled drinks from the soda machine.  The restaurant was near Rob’s office and he planned to return to work after this late lunch, which for Celia was an early dinner.  She was off to the church for a worship committee meeting when they finished.

“We need to call my parents,” Rob said, as they settled at a tall table.  “I’m starting to feel bad that they don’t know yet, when everyone who can see you with a ring on your hand knows already.” 

Celia paused as she unwrapped a burrito.  “You haven’t told them?”

“I was waiting until we could call them together,” Rob said.   He was kind of excited about it, truth be told.  His family liked Celia and had been disappointed, along with Rob, when she declined his offer last fall.  Since their engagement had been unexpected this time, he anticipated their happy surprise. 

“I didn’t know you were waiting for me.  I told Mom and Catherine when I talked to them on Saturday,” Celia said, too casually for Rob’s taste.  She regarded her meal and picked up her fork, apparently deciding against fingers.   

“But you were supposed to wait for me, so we could do it together!”

“I didn’t know that.  We hadn’t discussed that.”

“Yes we did!”

Celia put down her fork and looked at Rob like he had lost his mind.  Suddenly Rob was aware that this wasn’t a typical miscommunication.  Celia really didn’t seem to have any clue about this plan even though it was burned into his brain.  She actually looked frightened. 

“Okay.  Something’s going on here,” Rob said.  He put his hands on the table and took a deep breath.  “You really don’t remember this.”  Celia appeared to relax a little, although she still watched him closely.

“Mom and Catherine are happy,” she said tentatively. 

Rob began to fear that he and Celia were embarking on planning the wedding from hell.  If they couldn’t communicate accurately about simple content like this, how would anything important ever happen? 

What happened here?