Digital Marriage

Love is...finding your empathic self

Previous episode

Celia has just walked out on her mother and Rob, left alone in the house with his mother-in-law, has just called her on her behavior.

Current episode

“So you came down here in the middle of the night to talk to me like that?”  Mrs. Gillespie said to Rob.  “I don’t need this.”  She turned and walked back upstairs. 

Rob exhaled.  Typically Celia’s mother liked him and Celia had made use of the fact that Rob, who was not set off by Mrs. Gillespie’s reactivity the way Celia was, could calm her and reason with her about things.  Rob knew his last comment had not exactly been soothing.  But it had been honest. 

The front door was still open though the screen door was shut.  Celia’s mom was lazy – she did not remove the screen door in the winter like his father had always done.  Who needs an extra door when there are no bugs, Dad would always say.  But it occurred to Rob that this was part of the package of being a divorced mother.  There would always be more work to do than time or energy to do it, and worse, there was no one to ask for help.   Why would she take off a door in November that only had to be put back on in April?  As a wave of sympathy washed over him for his mother-in-law, he saw the next layer – that Celia had lived with a tired, depressed, overworked single mother for a decade.  In their own ways Celia and her sister Catherine had tried to help their mother, but Rob could see now that there was never enough help for someone so needy.

Actually, Celia walking out as she did, and Rob speaking to Mrs. Gillespie as he had, might be the best responses they could have enacted.   Rob did not necessarily think this would change Celia’s mom, but hopefully it could change the way Celia dealt with her. 

Rob walked out the front door, checking that it was locked but closing it hard enough that Celia’s mother would hear it and know they had left, in case she was waiting in her room to be coaxed back into their good graces. 

Celia was in the driver’s seat of Rob’s car.  Rob walked over to that side of the car and gestured to Celia to open the window, which she did.  She looked upset, staring out of the windshield.  

“Why don’t you let me drive?” Rob asked. 

“Because I figure you’re still drunk,” Celia said.  She continued to look straight ahead. 

Rob had been drunk when they had gotten in the car, at which point Celia was ostensibly driving them back to Rob’s parents’ house where they were spending the weekend.  Rob remembered he was mad at Celia, too, for kidnapping him and driving down here instead, although he had – admittedly – fallen asleep – well, maybe it was more like passed out – as soon as his butt hit the seat. 

What happens next?

A picture of emotional immaturity -- Joanne's response

Poor Rob.  Having spent the day immersed in his "normal" family, what a drag to be dragged by Celia into her dysfunctional one.  Oh wait -- it's his family now, too.  Hmm, this must be one of those for-better-or-worse moments we all have, those days that require us to commit -- again -- to our marriages.  We cannot predict the forms "worse" will take and we do not get to choose which "worse" we'll keep and which we will jettison.  (This gets much more complex if the "worse" involves abuse or addiction, in which case protecting the vulnerable and holding the perpetrator accountable are faithful responses.)  Rob does not have to love this situation, but he does have to show love to Celia in how he handles it. There is still a good fight for them to have about how Celia may or may not have handled this, but now is not the time for that.  

A picture of emotional immaturity

Previous episode

Celia’s mother has not been answering calls from either Rob or Celia while they were attending Rob’s grandmother’s party.  Rob assumed that she was blowing them off, angry that they did not visit for the holidays.  Celia hoped that was true, but feared something worse.  Following dinner with Rob’s cousins, during which Rob had had more to drink than Celia might have liked, Rob fell asleep in the passenger seat.

Current episode

Rob was a little drunk and his neck was stiff.  As he began to awaken from his doze, he remembered he was in his car and Celia was driving.  The car came to a stop and Celia maneuvered it to park.  Eyes still closed, he heard Celia put it in park, turn off the ignition and take the keys, open the car door, get out and close it, and walk away.  Rob opened his eyes and sat up to find that they were parked in the driveway of Celia’s mom’s house, NOT at his parents’ house in Cleveland where they were staying for the weekend.  

How dare Celia pull this on him?  As Celia unlocked the door of her mother’s house and walked in, Rob sat up and jumped out of the car, slamming the door behind him.  He was about to yell her name when he realized it was almost midnight.  The neighborhood was deserted. 

He walked inside the front door, only to hear shrieking upstairs, as (he presumed) Celia scared her mother silly, arriving unannounced as she did and waking her up.  He heard Celia say angrily, “Why didn’t you return my calls today?  I was worried sick about you!”  Rob’s anger at Celia was blunted somewhat as he heard the fear in her voice; he realized what a difficult day this had been for her.  Still, it had not merited driving down here. 

He could hear Mom whine some defensive response and Celia bicker in return.  Rob was about to go upstairs himself when he heard Celia coming back down, walking fast and stomping hard.  She walked right past Rob and out the front door, slamming it behind her.  Mom came downstairs right behind Celia.

Rob, not sure if Celia had even seen him, found himself literally caught between Celia and her mother; who turned on the light, saw Rob, and came over to hug him. 

“You didn’t need to come check on me.  I’m fine,” she said.  He heard the car door slam from outside as Celia got in.

Now Rob was angry with Celia’s mother.  “How would we know you were fine?” he said, forgetting that driving down here had not been his choice.  “How dare you worry us like that, just because you were pissed that we went to my grandmother’s party!” 

Mom recoiled as if Rob had slapped her.  Clearly, she was not used to being called on her emotional immaturity. 

What does Rob do next?

When marriage becomes a lonely ride - Harold's response

Most of us marry to feel a constant sense of companionship--the comfort of knowing that someone is there for us. We often think of this from the perspective of a physical presence, which is certainly important. However, emotional presence is at least as important. When emotional attunement is missing, loneliness sets in. In the most challenging cases, this loneliness leads to despair. Sometimes, marriage can feel like a lonely ride.

Don't get me wrong. Marriages go through cycles. It is probably quite normal for every marriage to experience those acute periods in which the relationship feels lonely. It might be due to the demands of a job, birth of a baby, or a myriad of other stressors that cause emotional separation. I don't want to pathologize this phenomena when it is acute. However, in too many marriages it is a chronic condition that has weakened the foundation of the relationship.

Celia is on a lonely ride in many ways. She has allowed her worry about her mom and her feeling that Rob has ignored this worry to control her. 

When you experience this lonely episodes it is important to "remember the good" in your spouse. Deliberately think about the times when you felt close. Concentrate on the sacrifice that your spouse has made for you. Then, look within. Have you done anything to contribute to the current state of loneliness? In many instances, overcoming this loneliness is a matter of approaching your spouse with genuine request to reconnect. In cases where emotional wounds are deeper this will be a longer process of forgiveness, grace, and healing. Your marriage does not have to be a lonely ride. 

When marriage becomes a lonely ride

Previous episode

The weather was frigid and Celia turned up the heat in the car; however, more heat was insufficient to thaw the icy mood between them. “You do not understand the position this puts me in,” Celia had said at the party, to which Rob exhaled his impatience and said nothing. 

Current episode

After bidding farewell to Grandma and the family, Rob and Celia had gone out with his cousins to a chain theme restaurant.  Rob spent the evening with one intent, or so it seemed:  to communicate to Celia that her problem with her mother was just that:  her problem, both to deal with and get over as quickly as possible, because he had done enough.  One of the ways he communicated this to Celia was to drink more than usual, although Celia could not discern if this was more about partying with his cousins or about irritating her.  In any case, he had made a grand, jolly time of it at her expense.   

The upside to Rob’s drinking is that it literally put Celia in the driver’s seat.  Drinking made Celia maudlin on the best of days – probably the Irish roots -- so she refrained so as to avoid being an embarrassment to Rob and an irritation to herself and others.

Celia glanced away from the dark, isolated road to look at Rob, who was dozing in the passenger seat.  Rob did not know that when he woke up, it would not be at his parents’ home in Columbus, but at Celia’s mother’s house in Canton.  They would have to return to Cleveland to pick up their luggage before heading home to Columbus tomorrow, but that was the price they would both pay for failing to manage this situation differently.

Celia had been hurt by Rob’s marginalization at first, but then she had simply become angry.  As the crisis with her mother morphed into a crisis in her marriage, Celia even regretted having married Rob, but she fought this. Alone in the corner of the booth as hot wings and margaritas swirled around her, anger had spawned a plan, and now the plan was unfolding.  It had not been her intention to kidnap Rob to Canton without his assent, but he must have had more to drink than she realized.  The moment they got into the car, he was asleep – or maybe passed out.   He may not have been avoiding her intentionally, but since Rob had been unavailable to discuss her plan, Celia had no choice but to enact it unilaterally.  Two birds would be killed with this stone:  Celia would find out what was going on with Mom, and Rob would get the message that he could not treat her like that. 

She almost laughed as she imagined Rob’s reaction when he woke up, but not quite.  They would have the fight of a lifetime sometime in the next several hours, she knew.  But that was OK with her.  To allow Rob’s dismissal of her and her angst to carry the evening would have been to participate in a pattern she loathed, and which – now that she had a moment to think about it – reminded her of her parents before they were divorced.  Dad would get passive-aggressive and Mom would not fight back, instead curling up in a depressive ball that, a decade later, she was still trying to shake. 

She did not know what would happen on any front in Canton, but she did know this:  she was taking charge of the situation, because no one else around her would.

What do Celia and Rob discover in Canton?

Family Patients (oops Patience) --- Harold's response

Sometimes I must admit that I just don't understand my wife. Even after more than 21 years, there are those episodes where I just can't get why she sees a situation the way she does. By the way, I know she feels the same way about me at times.

Earlier in our marriage, I saw it as my duty to point out what I thought was erroneous or irrational thinking on her part. Somehow I thought that by pointing that out that eventually she would adopt a way of looking at things that was more akin to my own. Uhhhhh... NOT!

What actually happened was that she became annoyed at me and felt that I disrespected her opinions. And, she was right--though I would never have admitted (or honestly recognized) that back then.

In a healthy marriage, we must come to accept that there are some things that our spouse can explain to us that will make sense. And, then there are those other things that just don't. We demonstrate our love and our grace to our spouses as we are able to sit patiently with their opinions (without judging them). We show respect and build trust as we communicate verbally and non-verbally that what our spouse is saying has value (even if we don't agree with it). As we listen empathically, however, we may come to see our own positions as shifting some. This is a good thing in most instances because God placed you and your spouse together to shape one another--not for you to always have the right answers (because you don't).

In this episode, Rob is in another one of those key trust-building moments. He can show patience and sit with Celia's emotional frustration or he can take a more self-centered tact. The former will build trust. The latter will not. The former will bring them closer together. The latter will likely nudge them apart--even if a little. The same goes for your marriage and mine. Always choose closeness or distance. That is God's way.

Negotiating through the Family Pull (Harold's response)

Healthy marriage requires boundaries. This includes personal boundaries that must guard the identity that God gives each person. But, it also includes boundaries around the married couple--protecting against outside intrusions that are unsafe for the marriage. There are unsafe people, places, things, and even ideas that are enemies of your marriage. Sometimes, these unsafe people are ones that we hold dear. 

Don't get me wrong. This isn't the time necessarily to excommunicate yourself from your loved ones. But, it is important to understand when you must draw a proverbial "line in the sand" for how much you allow people who aren't safe for your marriage to influence it.

In this specific episode, Celia is acutely aware that a boundary is necessary. And, I applaud her for refusing to be drawn into her mother's issue. It is a move that is likely important for future decisions as well.

Conflict Resolution Starts With An "I" (Joanne's response)

Harold has identified what Rob and Celia are doing right in their relationship.  I will therefore highlight the other half of Celia's growth edge right now -- being married to Rob while still being her mother's daughter.  As we have noted here before, leaving home and cleaving to one's partner are not only about first hiring a moving van and then having sex.  These are emotional as well as physical tasks, and they are therefore ongoing, not fully accomplished just because "I do" has been spoken.  For Celia to leave well, she will learn to balance her role in her family of origin with her role as Rob's wife.  "Resist the family pull," we say in the field of family therapy.  Our birth families' pull on us is powerful; maturity requires that we acknowledge and make conscious choices about how to respond.  

Conflict resolution starts with an "I" (Harold's response)

Every marriage have conflict--at least hopefully. Why hope for conflict? Simple. It means that each of you have an opinion. It means that you are being true to yourself. It suggests that you are expressing that which God has invested in you. Since no two people are alike, no two people can be in agreement about everything--hence conflict. The point here is that conflict offers the potential for a great good because it allows two people who respect one another's viewpoint to arrive at a conclusion or decision that is better than either of their individual ones.

The key to a successful marriage is healthy conflict resolution. And, the key to healthy conflict resolution is being introspective. Typically, one wants to see the flaws in the argument of the spouse rather than looking at one's own idiosyncrasies.

Kudos to Celia in this week's episode. She is doing exactly the right thing. Although there are some emotional strings getting tugged, she has looked at the situation with as much objectivity as she can muster. Then, she went to Rob to admit her own shortcoming. If all of us married couples could do this we could cut the divorce rate in half almost instantaneously.

Bare ass-umptions (Harold's response)

Assumptions ruin marriages. They start early (as in the case of Rob and Celia). But, they can last for the duration of the marriage--often a shortened marriage because of them. Assumptions are bad because they are discounting. In other words, I discount the fact that my spouse has an opinion. In some cases discounting is done innocently. In these instances, one spouse is just caught up in his or her own head and forgets that there is another opinion to be considered. In other cases the discounting is done intentionally--disrespecting and uncaring as to the value that one's spouse can bring to the situation. 

Obviously the intentional neglect is worse than that which is unintentional. But, the bottom line is that your marriage suffers regardless of which type of assumptions you make. The solution, of course, is to consider one another wherever possible. By doing so, you make a statement of respect. And, you demonstrate the meaning of partnership--we're in this thing together.

Though Celia appears to realize her own mistaken assumptions, here is an opportunity for Rob to enrich the relationship by showing grace and redeeming her rather than throwing it back in her face. Let's see which he chooses.