Digital Marriage

The cost of humility in marriage....priceless

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After Celia left the table “to get some air” during their first honeymoon dinner together, a light bulb went off for Rob.  He got up and followed Celia out the front door of the inn.

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Celia sat in one of the wooden Adirondack chairs on the front porch of the bed-and-breakfast.   Where only minutes ago she had been energized and hopeful, she was now deflated and exhausted.  The idea of returning to the table, where Rob sat counting out the pennies to pay for the rest of their lives together, immobilized her.  

The front porch was chilly in the autumn evening and Celia was wearing only a blouse and jeans, but she could not go back inside just yet.  Celia knew how seriously Rob took his role as “provider” and he knew that her income as a music teacher – when she got a full-time job – would always be less than his as an accountant.  But they had talked about this; in fact Celia had been prepared to end their engagement if Rob did not grasp that she would not tolerate having decisions forced on her because Rob earned more money. 

She did not expect him to stop worrying about their financial picture.  That was how Rob was built and if she was honest with herself, it was part of what made him attractive.  He was strong and reliable about such things, whereas her father had been irresponsible with money.  Celia’s mother had been the one to count the pennies before their divorce, and her father had flung back at her that since he worked while she stayed home, she did not get to tell him what he could or could not buy.  He had driven them into financial collapse, and bankruptcy had preceded the divorce. 

Celia had not heretofore thought about why Rob’s talking about money bothered her so much.  As her cheeks began to tingle from the cold, she realized that when she left the table she felt as if she were about ten years old again, helpless to avoid the fight that was about to happen as her mother pleaded to her father to return the new television or cancel the casino trip or… whatever the fight was about on any given week.    All Celia could do was flee the room. 

But Celia was not ten anymore, and Rob was not an evil amalgamation of her parents’ worst qualities.  

She wanted to stay on the front porch to continue to clear her head, but she the cold was becoming too uncomfortable.  She stood up to go back in.  She was not sure what she would say to Rob when she did, but at least she felt like his equal at the moment.  She stood up and took a deep breath of the late indian summer air.   

She heard the porch door open and turned to see Rob walk out and look around for her.  When he spotted her, he walked toward her quickly.  He looked concerned.

“I’m sorry I talked about the prices earlier.  I know it upset you,” he began, as he reached for one of her hands.  “I can’t always turn off my inner calculator.” 

How does Celia respond?

When the Honeymoon Goes South (Joanne's response)

Yes, Rob is being thick right now -- giving him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps the stresses of the day have dulled his sensitivity about how money talks impact Celia.  If Rob continues to be thick, he will argue with Celia about why she shouldn't be upset about the things he has said, but this is beside the point when the disconnect has already occurred.  The task now is to reconnect, and this requires two steps for Rob (regardless of whether he figures out for himself what is going on or Celia has to tell him):  a) acknowledge the cause of the disconnect ("It upset you when I talked about money") and b) attempt to repair ("I'm sorry I did that during our honeymoon dinner.  I know we need to plan ahead on money talks").  Then, it takes patience for the reconnect -- it won't necessarily happen immediately.  

As I have written here many times, relationships go through a constant cycle of connect-disconnect-reconnect to greater or lesser degrees.  Often the feeling of disconnect occurs because one partner misses the other and says or does something that inadvertently hurts them, as Rob in his own post-coital haze has done.  All couples disconnect at times.  Struggling couples do not know how to reconnect.  Healthy, resilient couples understand what reconnection requires, and they do it willingly.