Digital Marriage

Love is...finding your empathic self

Previous episode

Celia has just walked out on her mother and Rob, left alone in the house with his mother-in-law, has just called her on her behavior.

Current episode

“So you came down here in the middle of the night to talk to me like that?”  Mrs. Gillespie said to Rob.  “I don’t need this.”  She turned and walked back upstairs. 

Rob exhaled.  Typically Celia’s mother liked him and Celia had made use of the fact that Rob, who was not set off by Mrs. Gillespie’s reactivity the way Celia was, could calm her and reason with her about things.  Rob knew his last comment had not exactly been soothing.  But it had been honest. 

The front door was still open though the screen door was shut.  Celia’s mom was lazy – she did not remove the screen door in the winter like his father had always done.  Who needs an extra door when there are no bugs, Dad would always say.  But it occurred to Rob that this was part of the package of being a divorced mother.  There would always be more work to do than time or energy to do it, and worse, there was no one to ask for help.   Why would she take off a door in November that only had to be put back on in April?  As a wave of sympathy washed over him for his mother-in-law, he saw the next layer – that Celia had lived with a tired, depressed, overworked single mother for a decade.  In their own ways Celia and her sister Catherine had tried to help their mother, but Rob could see now that there was never enough help for someone so needy.

Actually, Celia walking out as she did, and Rob speaking to Mrs. Gillespie as he had, might be the best responses they could have enacted.   Rob did not necessarily think this would change Celia’s mom, but hopefully it could change the way Celia dealt with her. 

Rob walked out the front door, checking that it was locked but closing it hard enough that Celia’s mother would hear it and know they had left, in case she was waiting in her room to be coaxed back into their good graces. 

Celia was in the driver’s seat of Rob’s car.  Rob walked over to that side of the car and gestured to Celia to open the window, which she did.  She looked upset, staring out of the windshield.  

“Why don’t you let me drive?” Rob asked. 

“Because I figure you’re still drunk,” Celia said.  She continued to look straight ahead. 

Rob had been drunk when they had gotten in the car, at which point Celia was ostensibly driving them back to Rob’s parents’ house where they were spending the weekend.  Rob remembered he was mad at Celia, too, for kidnapping him and driving down here instead, although he had – admittedly – fallen asleep – well, maybe it was more like passed out – as soon as his butt hit the seat. 

What happens next?

Family Patients (oops Patience) --- Harold's response

Sometimes I must admit that I just don't understand my wife. Even after more than 21 years, there are those episodes where I just can't get why she sees a situation the way she does. By the way, I know she feels the same way about me at times.

Earlier in our marriage, I saw it as my duty to point out what I thought was erroneous or irrational thinking on her part. Somehow I thought that by pointing that out that eventually she would adopt a way of looking at things that was more akin to my own. Uhhhhh... NOT!

What actually happened was that she became annoyed at me and felt that I disrespected her opinions. And, she was right--though I would never have admitted (or honestly recognized) that back then.

In a healthy marriage, we must come to accept that there are some things that our spouse can explain to us that will make sense. And, then there are those other things that just don't. We demonstrate our love and our grace to our spouses as we are able to sit patiently with their opinions (without judging them). We show respect and build trust as we communicate verbally and non-verbally that what our spouse is saying has value (even if we don't agree with it). As we listen empathically, however, we may come to see our own positions as shifting some. This is a good thing in most instances because God placed you and your spouse together to shape one another--not for you to always have the right answers (because you don't).

In this episode, Rob is in another one of those key trust-building moments. He can show patience and sit with Celia's emotional frustration or he can take a more self-centered tact. The former will build trust. The latter will not. The former will bring them closer together. The latter will likely nudge them apart--even if a little. The same goes for your marriage and mine. Always choose closeness or distance. That is God's way.

Negotiating through the Family Pull (Harold's response)

Healthy marriage requires boundaries. This includes personal boundaries that must guard the identity that God gives each person. But, it also includes boundaries around the married couple--protecting against outside intrusions that are unsafe for the marriage. There are unsafe people, places, things, and even ideas that are enemies of your marriage. Sometimes, these unsafe people are ones that we hold dear. 

Don't get me wrong. This isn't the time necessarily to excommunicate yourself from your loved ones. But, it is important to understand when you must draw a proverbial "line in the sand" for how much you allow people who aren't safe for your marriage to influence it.

In this specific episode, Celia is acutely aware that a boundary is necessary. And, I applaud her for refusing to be drawn into her mother's issue. It is a move that is likely important for future decisions as well.

Negotiating through the Family Pull (Joanne's response)

I wrote last week about the family pull.  The family pull is harder to resist when you are in the middle of it, as Celia is right now.  Our family crazy is the air we breathe:  we get so used to it we don't even know it's there.  Celia is using a ton of emotional energy right now to identify and break the gravitational hold her mother has used since the divorce to keep Celia close.  Mom has her own work to do right now, obviously.  She welcomed Rob into the family, but it is more complicated than gaining a son-in-law to be the man in the family.  Celia can facilitate the process by staying out of it, for now.  Sometimes we have to speak our truth and back off, letting the consequences unfold.  It's never pleasant in the short term, especially around the holidays, but it allows long term growth and change to happen.

Conflict Resolution Starts With An "I" (Joanne's response)

Harold has identified what Rob and Celia are doing right in their relationship.  I will therefore highlight the other half of Celia's growth edge right now -- being married to Rob while still being her mother's daughter.  As we have noted here before, leaving home and cleaving to one's partner are not only about first hiring a moving van and then having sex.  These are emotional as well as physical tasks, and they are therefore ongoing, not fully accomplished just because "I do" has been spoken.  For Celia to leave well, she will learn to balance her role in her family of origin with her role as Rob's wife.  "Resist the family pull," we say in the field of family therapy.  Our birth families' pull on us is powerful; maturity requires that we acknowledge and make conscious choices about how to respond.  

Conflict resolution starts with an "I"

Previous episode

Rob and Celia are having their first home-from-the-honeymoon disagreement over whose family they will spend Christmas with, after Celia made promises to her mother before consulting Rob. 

Current episode

Celia, her head buried under her pillow, heard Rob leave the room.  She was angry – at herself, mostly, but she felt petulant, like a tantrum was coming on.  Why couldn’t Rob just give in and let her have it her way? 

She pulled off the pillow and sat up, listening to Rob opening the refrigerator in the kitchen.  She could not just have it her way, she thought, because she was married now.  Somehow she and Rob were going to have to find a way to strike a balance that felt fair to both of them.  Sometimes Rob would get his way, sometimes Celia would get hers.  Perhaps they could figure out what win-win looked like more often than not so that married life surpassed kids on the playground fighting over whose turn it was.

But a comfortable average, calculated over decades, was a useful theoretical construct that did not bring much to bear on this moment, today, when Rob and Celia each wanted their way.   Rob had been correct, she conceded, in making an assumption that what fair would look like here would be for them to be with Rob’s family, since they had indeed been with Celia’s mother and sister Catherine last year.   And a grandmother’s birthday party – you’re only ninety once, after all. 

And, to be completely honest with herself, Mom’s depression and its cycles would be with her, Celia, always, unless Mom could figure out how to actually do something about it herself.  But in the greater scheme of things, an emotionally unstable mother and a birthday party seemed comparatively black and white in terms of importance, and this was an angle she could parry as she and Rob talked. 

Celia threw off the covers and found her bathrobe on the floor next to the bed.  But it would be an intellectually cheap angle, she knew, because it wasn’t that clear-cut at all.  Just because Rob married a woman with a depressed mother did not mean Rob’s life, nor hers as his wife, could revolve around it. 

She was going to have to tell her mother that she had blown it by making a promise she couldn’t keep without being unfair to Rob.  Celia felt a wave of nausea as she thought about it.  It’s not that Mom would get mad – actually Celia wished she would, more often – but she would moan and carp and Celia would as a result feel guilty. 

Celia walked into the kitchen where Rob was standing at the counter pouring milk on cereal.  She hugged him from behind.

“I blew it,” she said.  “I shouldn’t have made plans without talking to you first.” 

With her head leaning on Rob’s back, she felt him nod his head.   She wished he would say something, but he did not.  He seemed to think this ball was still in her court. 

Maybe it was.  “So I’m going to call Mom and tell her we can’t be there for Christmas.  I can tell her I did not know about this party.”

Rob finally spoke.  “Well, I have an idea about that.  Canton and Cleveland aren’t that far apart.”

What does Rob suggest?

Making marriage work for the holidays (Harold's response)

Holiday traditions are an important part of married life. Most spouses seek to replicate the traditions they enjoyed in their family of origin. However, difficulties tend to arise when unspoken expectations result in conflicting objectives. This is particularly the case among newlyweds who are still trying to negotiate mutual arrangements and at the point after the first child is born. Do we visit parents for Christmas or stay home? Will there be a traditional dinner served? Should we get gifts for everyone? These are just a few of the questions that couples must discuss intentionally rather than making assumptions.

In my own family, my wife and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays that we spend with our respective families. We have been doing this for twenty-one years. And, since we are both the eldest siblings and first to marry our younger siblings have mostly adopted this pattern as they have gotten married. That way everyone is together for the holidays.

The bottom line is that making marriage work for the holidays is just like everything else in marriage. It takes time to think about and often takes sacrifice to execute. It is a negotiation. Ultimately, these traditions will be what lives on in the minds of generations to come. And, that makes it all worth it.

Making marriage work for the holidays

Previous episode

Rob planned an economical yet otherwise romantic honeymoon at a pair of Great Lakes bed & breakfasts – not the Presidential Suites but not the share-the-bathroom ground floor rooms either.  He and Celia have had good sex from the start, but their communication hit a low point that first night.  They recovered, and agreed that when Rob starts to babble about money, which he does automatically, Celia will say, “You’re doing that money thing again” to alert him both to his behavior and to its impact on Celia.

Current episode

Celia loved waking up next to Rob.  They had been home, in what had been Rob’s bachelor apartment, for three nights now following their honeymoon, having returned the Friday after the wedding.  This gave them the weekend to begin adjust to living together, put away their few wedding gifts, and have sex several times a day before returning to real life this morning, Monday.  But there had been time for more sex before Rob had to get up, and he was now in the shower.  Really, if this was adjusting to married life, Celia was glad she had signed on. 

Celia heard the plumbing squeak as Rob turned off the shower.  The whirlwind of the wedding and its planning had occupied most of the autumn, and Celia was shocked to wake up in its aftermath to realize the holidays were here.  Fortunately, her choir had been working on Christmas music since summer, so that was not an issue.  But she and Rob had not discussed the holidays at all. 

She had one idea she hoped would please Rob.  She wanted to be in charge of buying and wrapping gifts for their families, because she enjoyed that anyway.  But the part she hoped would please Rob is that they would sit down and discuss the gift budget, what to spend on each person.  Then, they would have a conversation like Rob’s parents used to have, about why she bought what she did, what was on sale where, and all those little details his parents had discussed that Rob remembered with fondness. 

Mom and Catherine were excited about having Rob and Celia, married, for Christmas.  Mom was going to let them sleep in her room, since she had a bigger bed.  Celia wasn’t sure how comfortable she felt at the idea of having sex in her mother’s bed, but she supposed they would adapt.  

The bathroom door opened and Rob emerged from the steam, wrapped from the waist down in a towel.  This was a view Celia liked though it made her want to pull off the towel and haul him back into bed, but she thought that might not be a great idea on a work day. 

“I had an email from my Mom this weekend,” Rob said.  A shower always woke Rob up and made him efficient and businesslike. “They’re having a 90^th birthday party for my grandmother the day after Christmas.  They figured it’s easier than waiting until her actual birthday, in January, since you and I and the cousins will already be home.” 

How does Celia respond?

The cost of humility in marriage...priceless (Joanne's response)

I like Harold's phrases "unskilled and unaware" and "skilled and aware" to describe the communication style many relationships possess in contrast to that which many aspire to.  The ability to self-reflect -- to be "aware" -- is a necessary component to the transition between the first, which is general cluelessness, to the second, which is unconscious care.  Skilled and unaware reminds me too of healthy self-care in many situations -- the folks who eat wholesome diets without counting calories, or those who get plenty of exercise without gym memberships, and those who have active social lives without spending hundreds of dollars a week eating out.  What may have at one time required discipline and intentionality becomes second nature.  Rob and Celia are still in the transition phase -- and all couples will revert back to this under stress.  I sat with a couple this week, who are working on issues like this, complain, "But if we love each other it shouldn't be so hard to talk! You won't be here forever to help us!"  This is common -- the belief that communication in marriage shouldn't take work and that they won't be able to do it without a therapist.  But it's just another form of discipline which, if practiced, can eventually be as second nature as breathing on any given, average-stress day.  

Peace offerings

Previous Episode

Celia felt guilty that she had ruined Rob’s evening of basketball viewing with her absurd attempts to distract him when he had made it clear to her that this was his evening’s priority. 

Current Episode            

Rob could feel Celia’s eyes on his back.  She was probably still pouting as she lay on the sofa, now in silence, and he was angry enough that he couldn’t even enjoy the game, even though his team looked like they would pull it out.  He even had a momentary fantasy of covering his beer bottle with his thumb, shaking it and turning it onto Celia, in case his point hadn’t been made; but he rolled his eyes inwardly at himself for this and let the bottle remain still.

            After a moment he heard Celia get up from the sofa.  Maybe she’s leaving, he half-hoped; but then this would have to continue tomorrow which he did not relish.  But she went into the kitchen.  Rob could hear the opening and closing of cupboards and the fridge and felt himself begin to relax, just to be alone in his living room for the moment.  His team scored again and he reached for his beer, but it was no longer cold and Rob did not like warm brew. 

            He could ask Celia to get him another one since she was in the kitchen anyway.  That could be construed as a peace offering of sorts, to begin a “normal” conversation, but she might take offense at his asking her to wait on him right after he’d told her off.   He didn’t want to go into the kitchen while she was there, either, because then they’d have to speak, unless he wanted to continue the cold war and ignore her while he grabbed a bottle, which he didn’t want to do either.  So he remained on the floor in front of the television, while the game proceeded without his full attention.

            Why did he want to get married, again? He had more sports channels in his cable package than he could count and he could do this every night, forever, if remained a bachelor.  But he knew he didn’t really want that. 

            Whatever Celia was doing in the kitchen, she began to half-sing and half-hum something.  Celia had a pretty voice; music was her field after all, and this half-and-half eccentricity was something Rob had always found amusing and endearing.  Rob could feel himself relax further as he listened to her, and suddenly the basketball game was enjoyable again. 

            He heard Celia walk back in, and suddenly a cold bottle of beer was dangling in front of him.  He took it as Celia sat down on the floor next to him, placing a plate of nachos and taquitos, with salsa, on the floor between them.  She reached over and grabbed her glass of water from the coffee table and turned her own attention to the game as she took a sip and set it down. 

            For a quick moment Rob braced himself for the continuance of the conversation from earlier, but then he realized she wasn’t going to return there and understood:  This is her peace offering.  He watched her watching the game next to him, really for him, because she didn’t care one whit about basketball. 

            Rob took a swig of beer and set the bottle down.  When the game went to commercial, he picked up the remote and muted it as he turned to Celia.

 

What does Rob say to Celia?