Digital Marriage

Peace offerings

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Celia felt guilty that she had ruined Rob’s evening of basketball viewing with her absurd attempts to distract him when he had made it clear to her that this was his evening’s priority. 

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Rob could feel Celia’s eyes on his back.  She was probably still pouting as she lay on the sofa, now in silence, and he was angry enough that he couldn’t even enjoy the game, even though his team looked like they would pull it out.  He even had a momentary fantasy of covering his beer bottle with his thumb, shaking it and turning it onto Celia, in case his point hadn’t been made; but he rolled his eyes inwardly at himself for this and let the bottle remain still.

            After a moment he heard Celia get up from the sofa.  Maybe she’s leaving, he half-hoped; but then this would have to continue tomorrow which he did not relish.  But she went into the kitchen.  Rob could hear the opening and closing of cupboards and the fridge and felt himself begin to relax, just to be alone in his living room for the moment.  His team scored again and he reached for his beer, but it was no longer cold and Rob did not like warm brew. 

            He could ask Celia to get him another one since she was in the kitchen anyway.  That could be construed as a peace offering of sorts, to begin a “normal” conversation, but she might take offense at his asking her to wait on him right after he’d told her off.   He didn’t want to go into the kitchen while she was there, either, because then they’d have to speak, unless he wanted to continue the cold war and ignore her while he grabbed a bottle, which he didn’t want to do either.  So he remained on the floor in front of the television, while the game proceeded without his full attention.

            Why did he want to get married, again? He had more sports channels in his cable package than he could count and he could do this every night, forever, if remained a bachelor.  But he knew he didn’t really want that. 

            Whatever Celia was doing in the kitchen, she began to half-sing and half-hum something.  Celia had a pretty voice; music was her field after all, and this half-and-half eccentricity was something Rob had always found amusing and endearing.  Rob could feel himself relax further as he listened to her, and suddenly the basketball game was enjoyable again. 

            He heard Celia walk back in, and suddenly a cold bottle of beer was dangling in front of him.  He took it as Celia sat down on the floor next to him, placing a plate of nachos and taquitos, with salsa, on the floor between them.  She reached over and grabbed her glass of water from the coffee table and turned her own attention to the game as she took a sip and set it down. 

            For a quick moment Rob braced himself for the continuance of the conversation from earlier, but then he realized she wasn’t going to return there and understood:  This is her peace offering.  He watched her watching the game next to him, really for him, because she didn’t care one whit about basketball. 

            Rob took a swig of beer and set the bottle down.  When the game went to commercial, he picked up the remote and muted it as he turned to Celia.

 

What does Rob say to Celia?

The New Traditional (Joanne' comment)

Celia has grown up a lot in recent weeks.  I wonder if Rob thought that as Celia committed to the relationship and began to do the work necessary that she would suddenly just accept his position on everything.  Instead, as Celia becomes more comfortable in her own skin she is stating her positions and disagreements clearly, standing on them and owning them, and expecting Rob to interact with them as valid.  She has really broken old patterns. 

Holiday plans can be difficult for couples that are committed but not yet married and this can continue to be a point of constant negotiation after marriage as well.   Celia's felt responsibility for her mother during the holidays is real, as is Rob's concern that this means he'll always come second.  Resilient couples figure out how to have it both ways -- acknowledge what's really important and give and take to approximate what everyone needs.  However, both Rob and Celia must recognize that what has been "traditional" up until now probably won't work anymore, and "really important," of course, is open to debate.