Digital Marriage

When Family Doesn't Answer (Joanne's response)

A difficult skill to learn when it comes to those who are close to us is how to discern a real, legitimate need on their part.  If Celia's mother had never before experienced a bout of depression and this was a new and frightening phase for her, real sacrifice would be called for in the short term to help.  However, we know that Celia's mother has struggled with bouts of depression for Celia's whole life.  She does not seem ever to have taken sufficient action on her own behalf to address it.  And, to be honest, why has she needed to?  Celia and her sister Catherine have hopped to it to compensate when depression has reared its morose head.  The depression is serving a function -- albeit, a dysfunctional one -- that keeps Celia and Catherine close to their mother.  This is not to minimize Mom's struggles -- depression is a real condition, but it can be treated for those who seek help.  But until Celia and Catherine state their independence from Mom's chronic neediness, Mom may not be motivated to change.  Batting the responsibility back and forth between one another won't solve the problem for Celia or her sister.  

The cost of humility in marriage...priceless (Joanne's response)

I like Harold's phrases "unskilled and unaware" and "skilled and aware" to describe the communication style many relationships possess in contrast to that which many aspire to.  The ability to self-reflect -- to be "aware" -- is a necessary component to the transition between the first, which is general cluelessness, to the second, which is unconscious care.  Skilled and unaware reminds me too of healthy self-care in many situations -- the folks who eat wholesome diets without counting calories, or those who get plenty of exercise without gym memberships, and those who have active social lives without spending hundreds of dollars a week eating out.  What may have at one time required discipline and intentionality becomes second nature.  Rob and Celia are still in the transition phase -- and all couples will revert back to this under stress.  I sat with a couple this week, who are working on issues like this, complain, "But if we love each other it shouldn't be so hard to talk! You won't be here forever to help us!"  This is common -- the belief that communication in marriage shouldn't take work and that they won't be able to do it without a therapist.  But it's just another form of discipline which, if practiced, can eventually be as second nature as breathing on any given, average-stress day.  

Can You Handle It? (Joanne's response)

What a shift in Celia.  She has been bound by unconscious loyalty to her mother for years.  In divorce situations, children often take the side of the parent who has been most obviously injured, so it was easy to blame Don, her father, for their troubles.  Now that Celia has her own adult experience of her mother, she can more easily empathize with Don and understand that her parents' divorce was more complex than she could have understood as a child or teen.  Pulling out of a black-and-white blaming stance into a grayer, perhaps-they-did-the-best-they-could perspective, is the first step to Celia discovering new, balanced relationships with both parents.  As Harold has noted in previous posts, the vitality of her impending marriage will be impacted by her ability to mature in her relationships with her own family.   

Can you handle it?

Previous episode

Celia reread the unexpected email she received this morning. 

“Hi, Cele.  Your mom told me you got engaged to a nice boy you met at Ohio State.  I am happy for you and hope to meet him soon.  I know you have been avoiding me for the last few years, but please know Jeanne and I would love to attend your wedding and bring Charity.  She’s five years old now.  I wouldn’t want the past to keep us apart during an important milestone like this.  But it’s up to you.  Love, Dad.”

Current episode

“Dear Don,” she began.

Celia decided to avoid the issue of Mom’s indiscretion altogether.  What was the point?  Neither did she have to decide now whether or not to invite Don or his family to the wedding.  All this was about was reestablishing contact, even though she hadn’t initiated it herself.  

“I had not yet decided if I was going to let you know about my engagement, but thank you for your good wishes.”  That was a good start; sufficiently formal but polite.  Should she say anything about the nice boy?  No, that was none of Don’s business, yet. 

Yet?  Celia panicked that she was sliding down that proverbial slippery slope into… what?  Was there a conversation about Rob and why she loved him in her future with Don?  Hold steady, Cele, she told herself.  You are in control here.

As Celia read the next phrase, she was angered again.  How dare Don suggest that the problem here was that Celia was “avoiding” him, and acting the big man, stepping out and building a bridge to her?  How quickly he had forgotten, apparently, that he was the one who left them, and had reinvented himself with a new family in the years since. 

Of one thing she was certain:  No way would she invite Jeanne and Charity to her wedding.  Mom wouldn’t be able to handle it, and then on the one day Celia really needed it to be about her, it would be about Mom and her drama.  I’m probably enabling Mom here, again, Celia thought.  For a brief moment an image of herself asking Mom to set the drama aside, just for one day, popped into her mind. 

I can handle Don just fine, Celia realized.  Mom can’t handle Don, and I can’t handle that Mom can’t handle Don.   Suddenly insight upon insight began flowing:  Avoiding Don all these years has always been about being loyal to Mom.  I didn’t want to hear about it from her.  But I’m an adult now!  I don’t have to tell my mother every time I talk to my father.  I don’t have to feel guilty about it!

Then, the most devastating realization of all:  Mom is overwhelming.  Celia wished Don had handled it differently at the time, but a small part of her began to understand why he left. 

“But you abandoned Catherine and me, too,” Celia said out loud to her laptop, and her heart sank.   She wondered if it was too late to talk elopement again.

What does Celia ultimately decide?

For Whom the Phone Tolls (Harold's response)

There are so many ways that I could go with my response to this. But, I thought I'd take a path that I haven't mined before. How about "dear old dad"? Is there any sympathy that I have for him? I searched myself after reading the latest post. Over these months, I've laid a lot of blame on dad for abandoning his family. I've certainly felt that Celia is completely justified in never wanting to see him (although as you readers who've been following the series know I've certainly advocated her dealing with he "father issues" head on). 

But, there is something about this episode that grabbed me about "dear old dad". After re-reading it a couple of times I figured it out. He made one statement that has shifted my thinking about him. The statement is "It's up to you" in his email. 

Why are these four words so important? It's simply about power and tone. Here's what I mean. First, to truly say "it's up to you" says that you have the power to make the decision. Given the highly tenuous nature of dad's relationship with Celia. He needs to make sure that she feels that she has the power to engage or remain disengaged. That's is huge. And, whether he intended it to be or not it is actually a brilliant move because it is the only likely path to reunification with Celia.

The other benefit of "it's up to you" is tone. It conveys a conciliatory posture--which is particularly useful when you are on the hot seat. Dad makes his desire clear (to attend the wedding) while setting the tone of the request and giving the power to Celia. 

What can we learn from this lesson? Much of intimate relationships is about power. We engage in all kinds of direct and indirect (aggressive and passive aggressive) efforts to control the events around us. Some of us do this because of latent fears. Others may do it out of insecurities underlying grandiosity and narcissism. We see power plays especially when it comes to gender-related issues. Husbands trying to control the power over the wives. Wives trying to manipulate things to control husbands. But, if we really want to change the emotional dynamics in our relationships we need to learn a lesson from dear old dad. Give up the power by telling your special someone "it's up to you". Try it and let me know what happens.

For Whom the Phone Tolls (Joanne's response)

Celia could have deleted the email from her father but she chose not to.  I deduce a few truths from this.  First, Celia knows the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, on her father issue.  She may be furious but she is facing it.  Second, it appears that the first thing she did upon reading it was to forward it to Rob and then call him.  So, she is bringing the issue into her engagement with Rob, considering him her closest friend and support now (she could just as easily brought her sister into it, who is closer to the original relationships).  Angry as she is, Celia may be unconsciously taking this opportunity to show Rob that she is ready to deal with it.  I strongly encourage Rob to do something counterintuitive -- to "stay on the side of the resistance" to use a psychoanalytic phrase.  Basically, this means that Rob's biggest job here it to communicate to Celia that he understands how hard this is, and that he may even understand why she still needs to be mad at her dad.  We have seen in previous episodes that when Rob pushes this issue toward resolution, he loses. No wonder he is nervous now.  If Rob can support Celia from her perspective, he actually promotes the issues resolution.  

Ghosts (Harold's response)

Joanne, being an excellent therapist herself, is insightful as she assesses the stance of Rob and Celia's therapist Carolyn. There is someone or something (the ghost) behind Celia that is influencing her behavior. And, it is in everyone's best interest to try to make this subconscious influence more conscious. Good therapists like Joanne (and Carolyn) know the behavioral and emotional markers to look for in spotting these ghosts. But, how can those ghosts be spotted in everyday situations when Joanne and Carolyn aren't around? Here are four "signs" to clue you in when a ghost is present in your intimate relationship:

(1) As Joanne pointed out, look for a disproportionate emotional response. If your partner is giving you verbal or non-verbal feedback that seems overblown relative to the situation, there is probably a ghost present.

(2) There are certain land mine topics that explode every time you touch it--so you may have learned to stay away from these topics.

(3) There are topics about which your partner does not or refuses to talk about--so you may not know much information about certain incidences or periods in his/her life

(4) Your partner behaves differently (maybe more withdrawn, silent, sensitive) when around particular people

Although these tips may give you more insight into when these ghosts are at work, it still remains difficult to resolve them-often because they are associated with deep-seated emotions. Professionals such as Joanne are helpful to get underneath these. But, one of the best things you can do on your own when you recognize a ghost may be present is to be patient and reassure your partner that you are there for them. Don't try to force everything on the table in one or two discussions. Give it time. 

I have given four signs that ghosts may be present. But, I'm sure there are others. What can you add to this list from your experience?